Re-Align

Well it finally came in the mail, my official divorce decree.  It feels good knowing that the past is just that, the past.  I've been thinking lately, kinda replaying my whole relationship and marriage with J.  You know, it sucks that it ended the way it did....but the fact is, we were just not meant to be together.  I was not meant to be in that marriage.  I was not the person that I was meant to be or become.

I truly feel that I needed to Re-Align my life.

So here's a toast to my former self, I bid you adieu...

And here's a toast to the future.  The opportunity to learn from life, the chance to find myself and grow into the woman I am meant to be.  Here's to embracing change.   

Going Nowhere Fast

J,

You know, our entire marriage...the entire time I've known you, you have never completed anything all the way through.  So many projects started and never finished.  Lots of dreams and goals but none of them ever followed through with.

There was the guitar you only halfway knew how to play - but you wanted the best guitar there was, so of course I bought it for you .  There was the guitar pedal that cost another arm and leg.  You bought the books, the DVDs, the whole works.  Now tell me...can you play guitar any better than when you were 15?

Then there was the "I'm going to quit smoking", "I'm going to lose weight, lets join a gym!", "I'm want to join the police academy"!, "Lets finish of our basement!" Oh the list goes on and on...

But did you quit?  Did you lose weight?  Did you ever even take the test for the academy?  Did our basement get finished?

Meanwhile I supported you through all of that, paid for most of everything you inspired to do, did the leg work and research if you needed me to, and sometimes I was just there to give you encouragement.  But in the end , I really just watched you give up and fail at everything.

You disappointed me.  (I wonder if you disappointed yourself???)

So what I'm trying to say is.  You SUCK.  No matter what you have put me through, no matter where I go from here.  You my friend, will still be where you always have been.  Nowhere.

Im pissed

"it states that heather will, upon signing the papers, have 90 days to get the car out of my name and assume any and all liability for it. im not sure why we have decided to go this route. im not comfortable with signing divorce papers and still having loose ends. that would mean that within those 90days my credit is still on the line and at any point something unexpected could happen"

That is a direct quote from asshole J regarding signing a property settlement agreement that will allow me to take his name off the car title.  The same car that he is demanding $500 from me to transfer the title.

So hey asshole....want to talk about unexpected do ya?  How about cheating with my best friend?

Want to talk about credit on the line?  YOU didnt have a job...you didnt contribute $$ to the mortgage...now MY credit is ruined because of this short sale because you are a LAZY FUCK.  And because of that..I am having trouble refinancing the fucking car!

Want to talk about the car?  The car that you borrowed from me ... dropped me off at work every day under the pretense that you were job hunting.  Is that what you were doing?  NO...you were banging my fat whore of a best friend.

And hey...one more thing idiot...you wanted $500...well its waiting for you at my lawyers but you have to SIGN THE PROPERTY SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT FIRST!

fucking asshole.

Whats going on??

• Divorce...well, the house is now officially SOLD!  We made settlement on September 27th.  The house sold for $30k less than we owe - but we got a one time 'get out of jail free' card and we don't have to pay that money back.  Of course there was lots of drama involved but I have to say, I did a great job with not buying into his games.  One last thing standing in the way of the divorce becoming official and that is our car.  J has to sign the title over to me but he is demanding $500 to do so.  Ahhh, divorce is so much fun!
• Gym...wish I had awesome news.  I don't.  I have only been going to the gym once a week and unfortunately that is not enough gym time to keep me loosing weight.  I need to get back on the saddle elliptical!
• Love...yes, I have news in this department!  After months of casually seeing this guy, we have made it official...facebook official even - we are in a relationship!  My first actual committed relationship since the separation in January.  I was totally freaking out at the thought of a relationship but this has been so easy and carefree - we have so much fun together!
• Life...has been busy.  I have been trying to balance everything plus finances and the dog and work....its been tough.  But the last week or two, things have been coming together.  Balance is hard to keep in a world that keeps on spinning.
• Baseball...umm, yes...baseball!  Have you seen my Phillies!?!  It is certainly DOCtober :)))
• Football...I love football Sundays with my bf...staying in bed watching the game and eating our faces off, lol!  The last game wasnt the best.  Michael Vick was injured (GOD I cant believe I am rooting for this guy...but I really kinda like him as our QB) and we had a ton of holding calls.  I'm hoping my Eagles can pull it together!

Nightmare

So last night I had a nightmare about J. :/ It was horrible, I woke up with my teeth clenched, pissed off, and full of sweat. I have no idea what prompted this nightmare but it sucked!

For some reason in my nightmare I moved down south somewhere to live with someone who was either related to J or a mutual friend of ours, I'm not sure how they fit into the picture. Then at some point I am told that J and his girlfriend (who in my dream, for some reason, does not look like M) and baby are on their way to come live at the same house. I start crying and I am asking 'why?' and 'where are they going to stay, there is no room'. I am told that they are going to stay in my room and that we have to share a bed. So I am flipping out because I have to sleep next to J and his gf and baby.

WTF!

Then when they show up, J starts trying to be nice and apologize and I just flip out. All I want to do is see my cat. Enter my cat, Jacob. Jacob doesn’t remember me and goes over to J's gf and jumps in her arms. At this point I try to beat the shit out of the gf and then....

I wake up.

I really don't know what this dream is about and I am not going to try and decipher it - I just wanted to share this...its pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Moving Forward

Hey! It’s been a while, huh? Unfortunately, I've been neglecting my new blog...I've started several posts, but never finished them. There's a reason for that I suppose...my life just isn’t in the same place. Mentally, I've moved on from a lot of these issues and I haven't had the need to vent about them. I'm throwing around the idea of starting (yet another) blog, I think I may have outgrown this place. It served me well when I needed it. I don't know though, just a thought :)

So what have I been up to?...

Well, I've been plugging along at my job, trying to focus on a promotion. On the weeknights after work, I go to the gym. The gym is something that has been completely life changing for me! I try and go 4 to 5 times a week. I do 30-45 minutes of cardio and then a little tanning too :). Working out has been such a stress reliever plus it gets me out of the house and keeps me busy! I also signed up for a softball league at my office which starts in just a few weeks.

As far as J goes....I don't really have to deal with him much except when it comes down to matters of selling the house. And even then, he doesn’t do shit. I'm handling everything and my attitude is whatever it takes to get this over with! He does try to contact me sometimes, such as trying to ruin my birthday by accusing me of writing his name and number on a bathroom stall (yea...he is fucking crazy). He also is doing stupid shit like shorting me $3 on our taxes. I basically don't reply to him at all. He is trying to get a reaction from me and I refuse to do it! So I will pay the god damn $3 and move on thankyouverymuch!

I'm looking forward to this summer....I have a great outlook, great friends and family and even someone special who I'm enjoying getting to know. Life is looking good....

Thank you for 1 thing

Its kinda a confidence crusher when your husband cheats on you with a woman three times your size and who is not attractive at all. But I would like to say that even though that is really hurtful I have been learning a lot about myself and my confidence because of it.


I would like to say that I am not skinny but I am by no means fat. I am 5’7” and I weigh 165 lbs. The past two years I have been struggling to lose weight and have dealt with self confidence issues. But recently that has all changed. You would think that I would be absolutely angry with myself and my body but its kinda the opposite. Even though it’s very hurtful to think of how my husband was more attracted to M instead of me, I look at that as a reflection on him and not me. If anything at all, it gives me awesome motivation when I am working out. I just think of that fat whore and I am able to pump out another set of sit-ups and leg presses haha!

Last week I took my measurements to track my workout progress….I have a 40” bust and a 40” hip. When I read those measurements I literally said out loud, “DAMN! I like my size!”. I know that I am not the skinniest but when I look in my mirror, I don’t see my fat, I think “wow…look at those curves!”. I see myself in pictures and I can see that I am a little over weight but it doesn’t really bother me because I am working out to get fit and get right. Working out gives me a outlet to let out my angers and frustrations. It gives me confidence and it makes me happy. I know that I will start to see progress soon and that gives me hope. I know that I have abs that are just dying to be shown off in a swimsuit and I know that I will get there.

J has taken a lot from me and I have lots of issues to deal with but he did leave me with one thing; motivation which in turn has helped me get my confidence back.

An episode of Maury; Who's the father?

Monday I had my therapy session where we discussed my panic attacks.  I told her how I thought it was because I don't have any control over my life right now and that I'm fearful of whats to come...

I also discussed something else with her...

"M has a 1 1/2 year old little girl.  How do I know that J isn't the father?  The only thing I could do would be to ask her husband...."

I then explained to her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that.  He has been "the father" and he loves her and do I really want to put that thought...

"STOP" she said.

"You are too worried about other people.  You are too worried about 'what if I do this' and all the consequences.  You aren't angry enough!  If you want to call J and scream at him, do it!  If you want to call M's husband and ask 'do you know who's baby that is?' then do it!"


"All this stuff is building up inside you and making you worry and have panic attacks.  You have to train your brain to realize that there are some things you do not have control over and there is no sense in worrying over things you cannot control"


"Now, lets breath together".....

In......Out.....In.....Out......

"Relaxsssssssss"

*side note; she taught me diaphragmatic breathing - I do a set of 3 every hour to keep my mind focused

You're not there

Today I am having a stressful day at work.

I thought about calling J and telling him about my day, looking for him to say something sweet and remind me that my day is almost over and that he will cook dinner for me tonight.

Then I realized I have no one. J isn’t there – he doesn’t care about my day at work.

I need someone to be there. Not a friend or family member, I want my husband, the husband I thought I had.

It seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

There are times in the day that I feel so sick to my stomach. Tears well up in my eyes and I am feel so hurt. But there are other times in the day that I look to my future - good things in my future - such as traveling and accomplishing things that I couldn't do with J.

I spoke to my therapist about this last night;

"Is it too soon for me to be feeling this way?"

She explained that I am probably feeling a little relief to be out from under J. She said that J is not my equal and he was dependent on me to do everything.

I thought about this a little and I think she is right. I was always the one with the steady job and the one doing the bills. I was always pulling more weight than J. I was always pushing J to do better; to set goals and to have ambition.

J never wanted to do any of those things,  it was always a lot of talk and no action. J was dependent on me for every little thing. I was even helping him start his own handyman business this past month.

I think J felt that I was disappointed in him. (maybe he was disappointed in himself?) And I think he turned to M (another dependent person) to "commiserate" with her and it led to an emotional and physical affair.

Eventually J will leach onto another strong woman and suck the life out of her too. (which he is already doing to his mother – what a manipulator)

So yeah, I think I do feel some relief.  I'm still hurting and mourning the loss of our life that we were building together but a small part of me does feels free...

More on his "dependency" later...meanwhile enjoy this song;

Another day, another chance to heal

It was another crazy weekend filled with ups and downs...

Friday I left work early to go to a doctor's appointment.  When I arrived the receptionists were giving me a funny look, I told them who I was and that I had an appointment - they said;

"We called and left a message on Tuesday at your home - Dr. O had to reschedule"

I lost it..."Figures, I separated from my husband and he didn't give me the message!"  "AND...I cannot take of anymore time to reschedule!"

I'm sure they thought I was crazy - which I am.

I was furious, I called J four times, no answer.  I could tell he was hitting the ignore button on his phone. Well this sent me into a panic attack - I ended up driving to the house and freaking out for a bit over little things.  My mom ended up coming over to calm me down.  The night ended with my awesome neighbors bringing over a bottle of wine...they probably heard me crying through the wall lol....

Saturday morning I moved my things out of the house and into storage.  I made it through with minimal tears.  We moved quick and it kept me busy.  I'm glad thats over with...

There was a little more drama in the afternoon but I am saving that for another post :-)

The rest of the weekend went pretty well.  I went into the city with my Mom for a bit, got my eyebrows and lip waxed - finally!  And got my room all setup at my parents house.


I've been doing some thinking about my future and I think I am going to make a I’m 25 and already divorced with nothing else to do list bucket list.  I really have nothing to hold me back anymore.  I have never been alone in my life (been with J since I was 15) so I think I am ready for some Heather time.  Once I get a few ideas I am going to post it on the side bar of this blog.

Moving Out

I don't really feel like blogging today - my head hurts....so this will be short;

• I am moving all my things out of the house on Saturday and into storage
• J is moving his things to his new "rental house" also
• He is supposedly renting his step fathers house.  His mom and him are going to sit down and work out a budget for him.  So typical...29 years old and still can't do things his self.  I always did the bills etc....he will never learn.  Besides how much rent can you pay when your unemployed, have no plans of working and just bought a cell phone with a plan
• I am also going to the Franklin Institute to see the Body Worlds exhibit with my mom and her girlfriends this weekend.  I am looking forward to the distraction
• J is borrowing a truck from his godmother who he hates with a passion (I hate her too lol).  It must suck to owe someone you despise a favor
• I wrote J an email telling him how I feel....should be interesting to see his response - if he even responds

I am not looking forward to Saturday - I am praying that I can make it through - I am getting choked up just thinking about it :(

Bitch, I'm gonna knock your teeth in

My first counseling session was last night and it went great! Today I feel great...in fact, I feel a little weird about that...should I be feeling like that after one week?  I guess that’s because the counselor really helped to put it all into perspective for me. But more on that later - right now I wanna tell you about that bitch M....

For that past two years I thought that M was my best friend, I considered her to be genuine and someone that I could confide in about anything. M & I talked every few days and went out often for coffee at Starbucks or shopping at Target.

M had been having marriage problems with her husband and would vent to me about all sorts of personal things.  I, in turn, would try and relate to her and tell her personal things about my relationship with J.  We would vent about how things like annoying habits our husbands have, finances, our jobs etc etc...

Well as it turns out - that wicked bitch - was setting me up and using me to get to my husband.  Because as soon as I left she would get right on the phone to call my husband J and tell him everything that I said.  I am sure that this has been going on for a while - possibly 9 months to 1 year.

So here is this whore M - with her own failing marriage - lining up the next guy....my husband.

And then we have my husband who then allowed her to seduce him as a way out of our marriage.

That is the story behind M.  I now I want to knock her fucking teeth out.  How low, evil, and manipulative of her!  Of course J is no better.

I have been played.

I don't know what kind of black magic techniques the counselor used on me but I can tell you that I am over crying over those two. They deserve each other...

Psycho Babble

I am just pissed off right now....

Today I asked J if he was going to counseling and if he was going for "him" or as a step to save our marriage. He replied "can you resend that email I don’t remember receiving it."

So he just flat out avoided the question. I wanted to reply back to him so bad and ask....did you miss my question?

Then a bit later he IM's me at work and we have these stupid meaningless conversations about his new cell phone number or something.  There is so much to talk about. I just want to scream at him....do you want to save this marriage or not?!

I need to face the fact that he has already flipped the switch on me and its taking everything in my power to not just spill everything out to him.


Lord - please give me the strength to just make it through this day without being totally EMO!!

You are giving me lip hair asshole!

Last night was another tough one. I went to "our house" straight from work to pack a few more things and I ended up leaving a crying mess. J and I had to sort through the filing cabinet of paperwork. I came across a lot of things (such as our marriage certificate) that just made me so sad. My wedding was so beautiful, my grandfather is a pastor and he married us so when I saw his signature on the certificate it just got to me. But none of this seems to have any impact on J. He sat there while I did all the work, just shredding what I told him to shred. I ended up storming out of the house. I got into the car while J was in the garage smoking a cigarette – he wouldn’t even look at me. I started crying and just slammed my hands down on the car horn – J simply shut the garage door and went inside. 

I know that I let my emotions get the best of me - and slamming on the car horn was a childish thing to do but I don't understand how you can just stop loving someone after 10 years? How can he just sit there and be fine. No emotions, no sadness - just okay. It is killing me inside - that really hurts me deep. I am so sad and here he is just going on as normal.

It also pisses me the fuck off. Because a part of me thinks that maybe he has these emotions but he is not showing them. You see, J has this ability to just write someone off just. like. THAT. Done - finished - no emotions attached. I have never been able to get him to break down that barrier when he does that. But if by chance there are those emotions inside him...well....it infuriates me. MAN UP! He is too cowardly to face what he did and the consequences.


Tonight I am meeting with a counselor for the first time since this happened last week. It’s going to be another emotional night but I am really looking forward to getting a professional opinion on my situation. And let me just tell you - I look like hell! My eyes are sunken in with deep greenish/blue bags under them, my eyebrows are overgrown and all this stress has brought on my period (a week early).  And to top it all off, I have upper lip hair. Yes, lip hair….FML

The Questions I Dont Want Answers To....

On Sunday I made the mistake of asking J a few questions. After hours of packing up my house - it just got to me....

"Am I that bad that you had to go to M? My best friend?"

J just sat there with his lips sucked it and hands clasped together....he didn’t answer but I know what he was thinking....

I have so many unanswered questions...

I want to know why he did this to me. Why was he fooling around with M while he was unemployed - he could have been looking for a job and saving our house. Why was he taking me to the baby doctor to talk about pregnancy? Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy - why didn't he suggest counseling? Why isn’t he remorseful - why isn’t he trying to amend things and save our marriage?

I want to know the answers to badly

But I also don't want to know - I am afraid of the answers because I know they aren’t the ones I want to hear.

J isn’t going to tell me the right words - he isn’t going to console me - make me feel better - or make things right.

And that just kills me....

I am left to fix the shattered pieces of my life by myself

Feeling Defeated

Since the day I found out I have been staying in my 15 year old brothers room at my parents house. J is staying in the house until he can find another place to live or the bank kicks him out for non-payment on the mortgage. 

J and I have been dividing the house up into "yours" and "mine". It has been so heartbreaking. Just thinking of the house sends me into a panic attack.


I didn't know that Tuesday night was going to be the last night I would ever sleep in my own bed or come home from work to relax on the couch with my cat. I hate dividing things up - what do I do with the coral that we found walking on the beach or the precious moments figurines of a couple on their wedding day? What do I do with our unity candle and our wedding photos? (I know what to do with the photos of M - burn them!)

But it’s not just the house - I am losing my husband. The man I love and have been with for 10 years - since I was just 15 years old. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking questions about why he did this...J says he hasn’t been happy with "us" and feels like we have grown apart. He felt like he couldn't tell me.  Hearing this made me feel guilty for what HE did. But I also think that is a bunch of bullshit. Of course he could have told me. But that would have been the brave thing to do. Instead he took the cowardly route and turned to my best friend for sex.  And now he is being cowardly again - only apologizing and showing remorse through email. Yesterday when I broke down he acted like I drove him away - he didn’t show any sympathy towards me and it was heartbreaking.  Through email he says "I feel like I should apologize everyday for the rest of my life for what I did"....and in person he says "I already apologized yesterday". 

A part of me wishes he would show remorse - sorrow - sadness - ANYTHING!  I want him to beg for me and tell me he loves me.  The fact that he cant do this or even just show understading in person - to my face HURTS.  Am I that bad of a person - was I really that awful of a wife?

Another part of he hates him.  I will never trust him and I don't want him anywhere near me.

This is so confusing - as I'm sure this blog post is...a lot of rambling going on. But that’s where my head is at...all over the place....

Today I feel defeated by my emotions.  My brain cannot understand the "Whys" and I cannot make sense of what happened.  I am beating myself up over details that I dont even know.
 
If M hadnt come clean I never would have known.  I never suspected a thing and had every reason to trust my husband.
 
I wish things were different - I want my life back!!!!  I want my husband, my house, my cat - the security of a loving marriage...so many things

Confessions

...continued

My stomach sank when I came back from lunch and saw Inbox 1.  I saw the email from M and thought; oh God - what happened!?!  I hurriedly opened her email and scanned it briefly..."couples"..."sex"..."ruined friendship"..."sorry"...

M was confessing to adultery with my husband.

My best friend...

...and my husband.


I sat there at my desk dumbfounded.  I reread the email to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong.  I started to shake as my stomach turned and panic set in.  I never had any reason not to trust the two of them.  Although my husband and M dated briefly as teenagers I never thought that this would happen.  I mean they never really "dated"...it was more like they hung out, they were young kids and besides M was married now and with a child.  All of the sudden I felt stupid for ever allowing this friendship to take place. 

I really had no clue what to do but I knew that I couldn't stay at work and I couldn't go home to see J so I had my Dad come pick me up from work.  I knew things were about to get bad...

Missing

Last week my best friend "M" went missing...

It was a busy week; I was battling a cold, had several doctors appointments, and was planning a birthday party for my husband "J" - all the while trying to support my best friend while she was dealing with a suicidal brother.

It would be a good time to tell you that my husband and I have been married for three 1/2 years and one of the doctors appointments was to see about the possibility of a baby. I suppose I'll tell you more about that later...

It was 8 PM on Friday night, the night before my husbands birthday party when I got an email from M that made my stomach sink. It read..."Heather, we will not be able to make it to J's party tomorrow. "C" (their 1 1/2 year old daughter) is getting sick and we feel its best not to come". Immediately I knew that was a lie. If that was true, why wouldn't she just call me - I mean we had talked on the phone the night before and she was going to bring some food for the party and everything. I wrote her back simply saying "I hope C feels better". About an hour later though - I decided to write her back again...

"We're really kinda bummed that you guys aren't coming especially because you couldn't come last year either. I called your cell phone but you didn't answer, I didn't call the house phone b/c I didn't want to wake C if she's sleeping. I hope everything is alright. Did something happen? I just have a weird feeling...its kinda strange that you wouldn't call or at least one of you wouldn't come."

She never wrote back. During the week I kept emailing and calling - worried that I did something to piss her off. I started going over our conversations the past week to see if I said something I shouldn't of. Finally - almost a week later - after emailing her at her private email, on facebook, and at her work in addition to her husbands private email and work email AND all the unanswered phone calls - with no answers, my husband "J" expressed his worry for her safety. I decided it might be best to call her mothers house to make sure she was okay. But just before I made that call, I checked my email - Inbox 1....

I found M...