An episode of Maury; Who's the father?

Monday I had my therapy session where we discussed my panic attacks.  I told her how I thought it was because I don't have any control over my life right now and that I'm fearful of whats to come...

I also discussed something else with her...

"M has a 1 1/2 year old little girl.  How do I know that J isn't the father?  The only thing I could do would be to ask her husband...."

I then explained to her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that.  He has been "the father" and he loves her and do I really want to put that thought...

"STOP" she said.

"You are too worried about other people.  You are too worried about 'what if I do this' and all the consequences.  You aren't angry enough!  If you want to call J and scream at him, do it!  If you want to call M's husband and ask 'do you know who's baby that is?' then do it!"


"All this stuff is building up inside you and making you worry and have panic attacks.  You have to train your brain to realize that there are some things you do not have control over and there is no sense in worrying over things you cannot control"


"Now, lets breath together".....

In......Out.....In.....Out......

"Relaxsssssssss"

*side note; she taught me diaphragmatic breathing - I do a set of 3 every hour to keep my mind focused

am I running from pain or the things that I fear

Ever since I've been going through this whole ordeal, I've been having panic attacks. I had never had one before up until this point in my life. So far this week I've had two, both of them happened at work. Having a panic attack is the most awful experience. Its these stupid little things that just set panic and fear in me and I cannot stop myself from freaking out. My chest starts to break out in red splotches, my face gets red, the air seems thick and I have trouble breathing, I can't stand up, I get dizzy and eventually start to cry because I can't do anything to stop it. It's so embarrassing to act like this at work because I can't calm myself down, someone else has to help me. Then after its over I realize that there was no real reason to be so upset.

I think that these are happening because of fear - fear of the unknown. I am such a control freak with a little OCD on the side. I am one of those people who make check lists, spreadsheets, and pro/con lists for almost every situation. And right now I have no control in my life. I have no idea what is going on and I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm scared. And that just freaks. me. out.

I am going to my therapist on Monday, I am going to tell her what’s been happening. I need to find ways to calm myself down and just breath...

It seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

There are times in the day that I feel so sick to my stomach. Tears well up in my eyes and I am feel so hurt. But there are other times in the day that I look to my future - good things in my future - such as traveling and accomplishing things that I couldn't do with J.

I spoke to my therapist about this last night;

"Is it too soon for me to be feeling this way?"

She explained that I am probably feeling a little relief to be out from under J. She said that J is not my equal and he was dependent on me to do everything.

I thought about this a little and I think she is right. I was always the one with the steady job and the one doing the bills. I was always pulling more weight than J. I was always pushing J to do better; to set goals and to have ambition.

J never wanted to do any of those things,  it was always a lot of talk and no action. J was dependent on me for every little thing. I was even helping him start his own handyman business this past month.

I think J felt that I was disappointed in him. (maybe he was disappointed in himself?) And I think he turned to M (another dependent person) to "commiserate" with her and it led to an emotional and physical affair.

Eventually J will leach onto another strong woman and suck the life out of her too. (which he is already doing to his mother – what a manipulator)

So yeah, I think I do feel some relief.  I'm still hurting and mourning the loss of our life that we were building together but a small part of me does feels free...

More on his "dependency" later...meanwhile enjoy this song;

Bitch, I'm gonna knock your teeth in

My first counseling session was last night and it went great! Today I feel great...in fact, I feel a little weird about that...should I be feeling like that after one week?  I guess that’s because the counselor really helped to put it all into perspective for me. But more on that later - right now I wanna tell you about that bitch M....

For that past two years I thought that M was my best friend, I considered her to be genuine and someone that I could confide in about anything. M & I talked every few days and went out often for coffee at Starbucks or shopping at Target.

M had been having marriage problems with her husband and would vent to me about all sorts of personal things.  I, in turn, would try and relate to her and tell her personal things about my relationship with J.  We would vent about how things like annoying habits our husbands have, finances, our jobs etc etc...

Well as it turns out - that wicked bitch - was setting me up and using me to get to my husband.  Because as soon as I left she would get right on the phone to call my husband J and tell him everything that I said.  I am sure that this has been going on for a while - possibly 9 months to 1 year.

So here is this whore M - with her own failing marriage - lining up the next guy....my husband.

And then we have my husband who then allowed her to seduce him as a way out of our marriage.

That is the story behind M.  I now I want to knock her fucking teeth out.  How low, evil, and manipulative of her!  Of course J is no better.

I have been played.

I don't know what kind of black magic techniques the counselor used on me but I can tell you that I am over crying over those two. They deserve each other...

You are giving me lip hair asshole!

Last night was another tough one. I went to "our house" straight from work to pack a few more things and I ended up leaving a crying mess. J and I had to sort through the filing cabinet of paperwork. I came across a lot of things (such as our marriage certificate) that just made me so sad. My wedding was so beautiful, my grandfather is a pastor and he married us so when I saw his signature on the certificate it just got to me. But none of this seems to have any impact on J. He sat there while I did all the work, just shredding what I told him to shred. I ended up storming out of the house. I got into the car while J was in the garage smoking a cigarette – he wouldn’t even look at me. I started crying and just slammed my hands down on the car horn – J simply shut the garage door and went inside. 

I know that I let my emotions get the best of me - and slamming on the car horn was a childish thing to do but I don't understand how you can just stop loving someone after 10 years? How can he just sit there and be fine. No emotions, no sadness - just okay. It is killing me inside - that really hurts me deep. I am so sad and here he is just going on as normal.

It also pisses me the fuck off. Because a part of me thinks that maybe he has these emotions but he is not showing them. You see, J has this ability to just write someone off just. like. THAT. Done - finished - no emotions attached. I have never been able to get him to break down that barrier when he does that. But if by chance there are those emotions inside him...well....it infuriates me. MAN UP! He is too cowardly to face what he did and the consequences.


Tonight I am meeting with a counselor for the first time since this happened last week. It’s going to be another emotional night but I am really looking forward to getting a professional opinion on my situation. And let me just tell you - I look like hell! My eyes are sunken in with deep greenish/blue bags under them, my eyebrows are overgrown and all this stress has brought on my period (a week early).  And to top it all off, I have upper lip hair. Yes, lip hair….FML