You are giving me lip hair asshole!

Last night was another tough one. I went to "our house" straight from work to pack a few more things and I ended up leaving a crying mess. J and I had to sort through the filing cabinet of paperwork. I came across a lot of things (such as our marriage certificate) that just made me so sad. My wedding was so beautiful, my grandfather is a pastor and he married us so when I saw his signature on the certificate it just got to me. But none of this seems to have any impact on J. He sat there while I did all the work, just shredding what I told him to shred. I ended up storming out of the house. I got into the car while J was in the garage smoking a cigarette – he wouldn’t even look at me. I started crying and just slammed my hands down on the car horn – J simply shut the garage door and went inside. 

I know that I let my emotions get the best of me - and slamming on the car horn was a childish thing to do but I don't understand how you can just stop loving someone after 10 years? How can he just sit there and be fine. No emotions, no sadness - just okay. It is killing me inside - that really hurts me deep. I am so sad and here he is just going on as normal.

It also pisses me the fuck off. Because a part of me thinks that maybe he has these emotions but he is not showing them. You see, J has this ability to just write someone off just. like. THAT. Done - finished - no emotions attached. I have never been able to get him to break down that barrier when he does that. But if by chance there are those emotions inside him...well....it infuriates me. MAN UP! He is too cowardly to face what he did and the consequences.


Tonight I am meeting with a counselor for the first time since this happened last week. It’s going to be another emotional night but I am really looking forward to getting a professional opinion on my situation. And let me just tell you - I look like hell! My eyes are sunken in with deep greenish/blue bags under them, my eyebrows are overgrown and all this stress has brought on my period (a week early).  And to top it all off, I have upper lip hair. Yes, lip hair….FML