What am I doing?

Why am I only happy when I'm in a relationship?  Not even happy with the relationship - just that I have one?

I broke things off with my boyfriend.  I'm not even sure why.  Maybe I wanted to be single.  Maybe I just havent been feeling like myself and wanted some time alone.  Maybe I was afraid of things getting serious.  Maybe I was afraid of being disappointed.  I dont know.

I dont know if it was the right choice.

All I know is that all those feelings of emptiness have come rushing back as if it was one year ago and I just had my heart ripped out.  Now I'm questioning why I did it.  Thinking about how I am going to move on.  Who am I going to talk to?  Thinking that I have nobody.  Feeling lonely.

What am I supposed to do when I get like this?

I know I will be fine.  I know that life goes on.

Right now it just sucks.

I feel like an ass.

Ugh.  Thats all for now.  

How to Be Alone

My good friend Darby posted this on Facebook this morning...I just had to share it...























Society tells us that being "alone" is equal to loneliness.  This is wrong.  Loneliness can happen to anyone.  To someone in a relationship or even marriage.  Being alone is different.  Being alone says "I love myself, and can spend time with myself and be okay with that".

The best advice I got this year from my dear friend Regan "Embrace solitude, its empowering"  This is so true...

If you are alone this holiday season, please done be lonely.  You cannot love someone else, if you do not love yourself.  It all starts with you!

Failure

Today I'm feeling like a failure.  I hate the fact that I make good money but have such bad credit that I can't do anything.  Some mistakes you have to pay for - for a lifetime.  Knowing that I've made mistakes and I cant do the things I want to do...and knowing that it will be crappy for years to come down the road, really makes me feel shitty about myself.  It makes it hard to set goals, makes it hard to plan, hard to budget.  Ugh....so many wrong decisions!  

Missing Person: Positive Patty

This week has been so tough.  Tonight I went to the gym to clear my head.  I put on my heavy metal and kicked some serious ass.  But I felt like I needed another therapy....my blog!  So here is whats been bothering me this week...

I have been living back at home for 5 months now.  For the first time this week I had the urge to just pack up and move the hell out.  I remember having that feeling at 18 and then moving out the day after graduation.  I am trying to just deal but its hard when everyone in my house is PMS'ing all together (that includes the guys).  Okay, its always easy to make a joke about it - but seriously - this week has been bad at home.  Since when do people just walk in the door and automatically start bitching.  Where is the "hi, how are you?".  I have worked so hard to not become them...to not have the attitude...to not take my bad day out on others.  I hate being surrounded by that crap, it brings you down.

Dating is another thing that has been eating away at my brain this week.  I just can't find the balance that I need between casually dating and a relationship.  I find myself needing more and then wanting less.  Why can't I find that balance?  Its like I need someone to talk to, to be there, someone to give me a hug and pick me up when I need it.  But I don't want commitment.  I know that I just got out of a marriage - there is no way I can be in a relationship.  But yet I feel myself looking for a connection.

It doesn't help that I over think things wayyy too much.  I over analyze everything.  Why can't I just simplify things and compartmentalize them and live my life?

I don't know where Positive Patty went...but she needs to come back.  NOW.

An episode of Maury; Who's the father?

Monday I had my therapy session where we discussed my panic attacks.  I told her how I thought it was because I don't have any control over my life right now and that I'm fearful of whats to come...

I also discussed something else with her...

"M has a 1 1/2 year old little girl.  How do I know that J isn't the father?  The only thing I could do would be to ask her husband...."

I then explained to her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that.  He has been "the father" and he loves her and do I really want to put that thought...

"STOP" she said.

"You are too worried about other people.  You are too worried about 'what if I do this' and all the consequences.  You aren't angry enough!  If you want to call J and scream at him, do it!  If you want to call M's husband and ask 'do you know who's baby that is?' then do it!"


"All this stuff is building up inside you and making you worry and have panic attacks.  You have to train your brain to realize that there are some things you do not have control over and there is no sense in worrying over things you cannot control"


"Now, lets breath together".....

In......Out.....In.....Out......

"Relaxsssssssss"

*side note; she taught me diaphragmatic breathing - I do a set of 3 every hour to keep my mind focused

am I running from pain or the things that I fear

Ever since I've been going through this whole ordeal, I've been having panic attacks. I had never had one before up until this point in my life. So far this week I've had two, both of them happened at work. Having a panic attack is the most awful experience. Its these stupid little things that just set panic and fear in me and I cannot stop myself from freaking out. My chest starts to break out in red splotches, my face gets red, the air seems thick and I have trouble breathing, I can't stand up, I get dizzy and eventually start to cry because I can't do anything to stop it. It's so embarrassing to act like this at work because I can't calm myself down, someone else has to help me. Then after its over I realize that there was no real reason to be so upset.

I think that these are happening because of fear - fear of the unknown. I am such a control freak with a little OCD on the side. I am one of those people who make check lists, spreadsheets, and pro/con lists for almost every situation. And right now I have no control in my life. I have no idea what is going on and I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm scared. And that just freaks. me. out.

I am going to my therapist on Monday, I am going to tell her what’s been happening. I need to find ways to calm myself down and just breath...