Loving on it

• I watched the movie Julie & Julia....  LOVED IT.  It made me remember what I went to culinary school for.  I miss cooking and I really miss my food blog - maybe one day I will resurrect it.

• I'm getting this dresser for my birthday (in 2 weeks!!) - I have been eying it up for a few months now at IKEA.  I love the four small square drawers...I want to separate my thongs from my granny panties delicates and my socks and use one of the drawers to customize my jewelry since I cant find a jewelry box big enough.  Haha, nothing makes me more happier than organizing!

• My newest family member Angela.  My cousin Karen and her husband Adam (who lost their little boy to Mitochondiral disease) have adopted her (still in processing so we cant show her face).  Angela has Cerebral Palsy and Cortical  Blindness.  God do I love this little girl!  I just love interacting with her - she loves to be held and rough housed.  She likes to spin and bounce and loves kisses.  She is just so special and warms my heart in every way.  You can always follow their story at www.gavinowens.com. 

Missing Person: Positive Patty

This week has been so tough.  Tonight I went to the gym to clear my head.  I put on my heavy metal and kicked some serious ass.  But I felt like I needed another therapy....my blog!  So here is whats been bothering me this week...

I have been living back at home for 5 months now.  For the first time this week I had the urge to just pack up and move the hell out.  I remember having that feeling at 18 and then moving out the day after graduation.  I am trying to just deal but its hard when everyone in my house is PMS'ing all together (that includes the guys).  Okay, its always easy to make a joke about it - but seriously - this week has been bad at home.  Since when do people just walk in the door and automatically start bitching.  Where is the "hi, how are you?".  I have worked so hard to not become them...to not have the attitude...to not take my bad day out on others.  I hate being surrounded by that crap, it brings you down.

Dating is another thing that has been eating away at my brain this week.  I just can't find the balance that I need between casually dating and a relationship.  I find myself needing more and then wanting less.  Why can't I find that balance?  Its like I need someone to talk to, to be there, someone to give me a hug and pick me up when I need it.  But I don't want commitment.  I know that I just got out of a marriage - there is no way I can be in a relationship.  But yet I feel myself looking for a connection.

It doesn't help that I over think things wayyy too much.  I over analyze everything.  Why can't I just simplify things and compartmentalize them and live my life?

I don't know where Positive Patty went...but she needs to come back.  NOW.

Drinking it all away

"Finish that bottle of wine!"  "Thats an order!"

I love my Dad.

Thats what he said to me when I came home stressed out from the lawyers office last night.

I went to file for divorce...

Another day, another chance to heal

It was another crazy weekend filled with ups and downs...

Friday I left work early to go to a doctor's appointment.  When I arrived the receptionists were giving me a funny look, I told them who I was and that I had an appointment - they said;

"We called and left a message on Tuesday at your home - Dr. O had to reschedule"

I lost it..."Figures, I separated from my husband and he didn't give me the message!"  "AND...I cannot take of anymore time to reschedule!"

I'm sure they thought I was crazy - which I am.

I was furious, I called J four times, no answer.  I could tell he was hitting the ignore button on his phone. Well this sent me into a panic attack - I ended up driving to the house and freaking out for a bit over little things.  My mom ended up coming over to calm me down.  The night ended with my awesome neighbors bringing over a bottle of wine...they probably heard me crying through the wall lol....

Saturday morning I moved my things out of the house and into storage.  I made it through with minimal tears.  We moved quick and it kept me busy.  I'm glad thats over with...

There was a little more drama in the afternoon but I am saving that for another post :-)

The rest of the weekend went pretty well.  I went into the city with my Mom for a bit, got my eyebrows and lip waxed - finally!  And got my room all setup at my parents house.


I've been doing some thinking about my future and I think I am going to make a I’m 25 and already divorced with nothing else to do list bucket list.  I really have nothing to hold me back anymore.  I have never been alone in my life (been with J since I was 15) so I think I am ready for some Heather time.  Once I get a few ideas I am going to post it on the side bar of this blog.

Lasting Scars

I haven’t told many people about what is going on. It’s hard to tell people when I don’t even believe it myself. J has told people – although his story is slightly different from mine. His is more “What I did was wrong but things have been bad for years” and mine is more “my husband cheated on me with my best friend *insert sobbing and panic attack here*”


There are a few reasons I haven’t told many people;

I haven’t told neighbors because J is still living in the house. We have made many friends in our neighborhood and I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose sides. I guess a little part of me is doing it so J doesn’t have to face it – I know I don’t have to do that – I shouldn’t be “protecting” him.

I haven’t told many of my friends because – well – I don’t know. I don’t want to just post a status update on Facebook saying – MY MARRIAGE IS OVER. I also don’t want to do it through email. Also; all our friends are mostly mutual and, again, I don’t want them to have to choose sides between J and I. Of course they don’t have to – they can remain friends with both of us – they just might feel uncomfortable doing that.

Some family members know that I moved back home with my mom and Dad but they don’t know why. They are going to be the hardest to tell. I have no idea if they are going to support me or not.

I am also debating whether or not to share this blog with my friends and family. I am not sure that I want to share these emotions and feelings with them. On the other hand – I really need their support. I will admit that if I knew they read my blog posts – I might be hesitant about writing certain things.

Another fear that I have is the lasting scars this will leave on me. While I have great support right now - I am afraid that it might not last. Will our mutual friends eventually fade? Will I still be hurting and lonely next year – and will the people that are supporting me now be just as concerned about me then? What if I have no one?