Im pissed

"it states that heather will, upon signing the papers, have 90 days to get the car out of my name and assume any and all liability for it. im not sure why we have decided to go this route. im not comfortable with signing divorce papers and still having loose ends. that would mean that within those 90days my credit is still on the line and at any point something unexpected could happen"

That is a direct quote from asshole J regarding signing a property settlement agreement that will allow me to take his name off the car title.  The same car that he is demanding $500 from me to transfer the title.

So hey asshole....want to talk about unexpected do ya?  How about cheating with my best friend?

Want to talk about credit on the line?  YOU didnt have a job...you didnt contribute $$ to the mortgage...now MY credit is ruined because of this short sale because you are a LAZY FUCK.  And because of that..I am having trouble refinancing the fucking car!

Want to talk about the car?  The car that you borrowed from me ... dropped me off at work every day under the pretense that you were job hunting.  Is that what you were doing?  NO...you were banging my fat whore of a best friend.

And hey...one more thing idiot...you wanted $500...well its waiting for you at my lawyers but you have to SIGN THE PROPERTY SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT FIRST!

fucking asshole.

Failure

Today I'm feeling like a failure.  I hate the fact that I make good money but have such bad credit that I can't do anything.  Some mistakes you have to pay for - for a lifetime.  Knowing that I've made mistakes and I cant do the things I want to do...and knowing that it will be crappy for years to come down the road, really makes me feel shitty about myself.  It makes it hard to set goals, makes it hard to plan, hard to budget.  Ugh....so many wrong decisions!  

Nightmare

So last night I had a nightmare about J. :/ It was horrible, I woke up with my teeth clenched, pissed off, and full of sweat. I have no idea what prompted this nightmare but it sucked!

For some reason in my nightmare I moved down south somewhere to live with someone who was either related to J or a mutual friend of ours, I'm not sure how they fit into the picture. Then at some point I am told that J and his girlfriend (who in my dream, for some reason, does not look like M) and baby are on their way to come live at the same house. I start crying and I am asking 'why?' and 'where are they going to stay, there is no room'. I am told that they are going to stay in my room and that we have to share a bed. So I am flipping out because I have to sleep next to J and his gf and baby.

WTF!

Then when they show up, J starts trying to be nice and apologize and I just flip out. All I want to do is see my cat. Enter my cat, Jacob. Jacob doesn’t remember me and goes over to J's gf and jumps in her arms. At this point I try to beat the shit out of the gf and then....

I wake up.

I really don't know what this dream is about and I am not going to try and decipher it - I just wanted to share this...its pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Thank you for 1 thing

Its kinda a confidence crusher when your husband cheats on you with a woman three times your size and who is not attractive at all. But I would like to say that even though that is really hurtful I have been learning a lot about myself and my confidence because of it.


I would like to say that I am not skinny but I am by no means fat. I am 5’7” and I weigh 165 lbs. The past two years I have been struggling to lose weight and have dealt with self confidence issues. But recently that has all changed. You would think that I would be absolutely angry with myself and my body but its kinda the opposite. Even though it’s very hurtful to think of how my husband was more attracted to M instead of me, I look at that as a reflection on him and not me. If anything at all, it gives me awesome motivation when I am working out. I just think of that fat whore and I am able to pump out another set of sit-ups and leg presses haha!

Last week I took my measurements to track my workout progress….I have a 40” bust and a 40” hip. When I read those measurements I literally said out loud, “DAMN! I like my size!”. I know that I am not the skinniest but when I look in my mirror, I don’t see my fat, I think “wow…look at those curves!”. I see myself in pictures and I can see that I am a little over weight but it doesn’t really bother me because I am working out to get fit and get right. Working out gives me a outlet to let out my angers and frustrations. It gives me confidence and it makes me happy. I know that I will start to see progress soon and that gives me hope. I know that I have abs that are just dying to be shown off in a swimsuit and I know that I will get there.

J has taken a lot from me and I have lots of issues to deal with but he did leave me with one thing; motivation which in turn has helped me get my confidence back.

An episode of Maury; Who's the father?

Monday I had my therapy session where we discussed my panic attacks.  I told her how I thought it was because I don't have any control over my life right now and that I'm fearful of whats to come...

I also discussed something else with her...

"M has a 1 1/2 year old little girl.  How do I know that J isn't the father?  The only thing I could do would be to ask her husband...."

I then explained to her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that.  He has been "the father" and he loves her and do I really want to put that thought...

"STOP" she said.

"You are too worried about other people.  You are too worried about 'what if I do this' and all the consequences.  You aren't angry enough!  If you want to call J and scream at him, do it!  If you want to call M's husband and ask 'do you know who's baby that is?' then do it!"


"All this stuff is building up inside you and making you worry and have panic attacks.  You have to train your brain to realize that there are some things you do not have control over and there is no sense in worrying over things you cannot control"


"Now, lets breath together".....

In......Out.....In.....Out......

"Relaxsssssssss"

*side note; she taught me diaphragmatic breathing - I do a set of 3 every hour to keep my mind focused

Another day, another chance to heal

It was another crazy weekend filled with ups and downs...

Friday I left work early to go to a doctor's appointment.  When I arrived the receptionists were giving me a funny look, I told them who I was and that I had an appointment - they said;

"We called and left a message on Tuesday at your home - Dr. O had to reschedule"

I lost it..."Figures, I separated from my husband and he didn't give me the message!"  "AND...I cannot take of anymore time to reschedule!"

I'm sure they thought I was crazy - which I am.

I was furious, I called J four times, no answer.  I could tell he was hitting the ignore button on his phone. Well this sent me into a panic attack - I ended up driving to the house and freaking out for a bit over little things.  My mom ended up coming over to calm me down.  The night ended with my awesome neighbors bringing over a bottle of wine...they probably heard me crying through the wall lol....

Saturday morning I moved my things out of the house and into storage.  I made it through with minimal tears.  We moved quick and it kept me busy.  I'm glad thats over with...

There was a little more drama in the afternoon but I am saving that for another post :-)

The rest of the weekend went pretty well.  I went into the city with my Mom for a bit, got my eyebrows and lip waxed - finally!  And got my room all setup at my parents house.


I've been doing some thinking about my future and I think I am going to make a I’m 25 and already divorced with nothing else to do list bucket list.  I really have nothing to hold me back anymore.  I have never been alone in my life (been with J since I was 15) so I think I am ready for some Heather time.  Once I get a few ideas I am going to post it on the side bar of this blog.

Bitch, I'm gonna knock your teeth in

My first counseling session was last night and it went great! Today I feel great...in fact, I feel a little weird about that...should I be feeling like that after one week?  I guess that’s because the counselor really helped to put it all into perspective for me. But more on that later - right now I wanna tell you about that bitch M....

For that past two years I thought that M was my best friend, I considered her to be genuine and someone that I could confide in about anything. M & I talked every few days and went out often for coffee at Starbucks or shopping at Target.

M had been having marriage problems with her husband and would vent to me about all sorts of personal things.  I, in turn, would try and relate to her and tell her personal things about my relationship with J.  We would vent about how things like annoying habits our husbands have, finances, our jobs etc etc...

Well as it turns out - that wicked bitch - was setting me up and using me to get to my husband.  Because as soon as I left she would get right on the phone to call my husband J and tell him everything that I said.  I am sure that this has been going on for a while - possibly 9 months to 1 year.

So here is this whore M - with her own failing marriage - lining up the next guy....my husband.

And then we have my husband who then allowed her to seduce him as a way out of our marriage.

That is the story behind M.  I now I want to knock her fucking teeth out.  How low, evil, and manipulative of her!  Of course J is no better.

I have been played.

I don't know what kind of black magic techniques the counselor used on me but I can tell you that I am over crying over those two. They deserve each other...