This past week I …

• Met an exceptionally well mannered man

• Broke my dating rule

• Went on 2 amazing dates
Here is where things take a different turn…

• Found out that that he has mad baby mama drama

• The mad baby mama stole my number out of his phone

• Mad baby mama called me and hung up and also texted me

• Mad baby mama got real jealous of our two dates and then re-professed her undying love for him (even after a year of separation from him)

• Exceptionally well mannered man returned to his mad baby mama to try and reunite their happy little psychotic family



I am cursed. Cursed I tell you!!!

What are the chances???

What are the chances....that you go to the bar with your girlfriend with high hopes of hanging out with a really cool guy that you like - and he likes you.  And then finding out that he asks for your girlfriends number when your in the bathroom.  And even further...they realize the met once two years ago in this very same bar and recall what they are wearing and everything they said to each other and within one week have "very strong feelins for each other".

I know. I know!  I'm on a boyfriend ban and none of this matters.  Quit rubbing it in.

Just sayin...that hurts a little. 

What am I doing?

Why am I only happy when I'm in a relationship?  Not even happy with the relationship - just that I have one?

I broke things off with my boyfriend.  I'm not even sure why.  Maybe I wanted to be single.  Maybe I just havent been feeling like myself and wanted some time alone.  Maybe I was afraid of things getting serious.  Maybe I was afraid of being disappointed.  I dont know.

I dont know if it was the right choice.

All I know is that all those feelings of emptiness have come rushing back as if it was one year ago and I just had my heart ripped out.  Now I'm questioning why I did it.  Thinking about how I am going to move on.  Who am I going to talk to?  Thinking that I have nobody.  Feeling lonely.

What am I supposed to do when I get like this?

I know I will be fine.  I know that life goes on.

Right now it just sucks.

I feel like an ass.

Ugh.  Thats all for now.  

Expectations and Disappointment

I remember Valentines Day as a pre-teen/teenager in junior high...my Dad used to surprise me by having a dozen long stem red roses wrapped in red tissue paper and gently set in a white box delivered to my school.  I was the happiest girl - no boy could top my Dad.

Somewhere along the line, that got lost.  And by that I mean...the expectations that I was supposed to have for a guy.  They got lowered and lowered and lowered.  And now....I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day.  I told my boyfriend not to even bother getting me a thing.  After all....you can't be disappointed in what you don't have expectations for.

But tonight after a tall glass of wine (just one glass, I promise)  I realized that by not having expectations, I'm just settling.

Settling is what I did when I got married.

Hmmm....time to start re-thinking this whole "dating expectations" thing.

A concept for me

Finding that if you live your life free from clutter and with a basic concept of simplicity and minimalism, that happiness, well...it has no place to hide!

i put this on my facebook page today but I wanted to elaborate on it just a little more...

my life can be very stressful at times. obviously.  but there is one thing in my life that is so simple, so lovely and that is my relationship with my boyfriend.

looking back at my marriage, i see two people living life in a pressure cooker. stressed, feeling over burdened, and weighed down.

why live life like that?  

maybe marriage isn't for everyone.  a lifetime with one person is a hell of a commitment.

live life simple. 

enjoy being together when you can.  think of each when you can't.  smile, laugh, and kiss.  

be happy doing nothing together because if your not happy in the simplest of situations, how can you be happy when life gets hard?

Whats going on??

• Divorce...well, the house is now officially SOLD!  We made settlement on September 27th.  The house sold for $30k less than we owe - but we got a one time 'get out of jail free' card and we don't have to pay that money back.  Of course there was lots of drama involved but I have to say, I did a great job with not buying into his games.  One last thing standing in the way of the divorce becoming official and that is our car.  J has to sign the title over to me but he is demanding $500 to do so.  Ahhh, divorce is so much fun!
• Gym...wish I had awesome news.  I don't.  I have only been going to the gym once a week and unfortunately that is not enough gym time to keep me loosing weight.  I need to get back on the saddle elliptical!
• Love...yes, I have news in this department!  After months of casually seeing this guy, we have made it official...facebook official even - we are in a relationship!  My first actual committed relationship since the separation in January.  I was totally freaking out at the thought of a relationship but this has been so easy and carefree - we have so much fun together!
• Life...has been busy.  I have been trying to balance everything plus finances and the dog and work....its been tough.  But the last week or two, things have been coming together.  Balance is hard to keep in a world that keeps on spinning.
• Baseball...umm, yes...baseball!  Have you seen my Phillies!?!  It is certainly DOCtober :)))
• Football...I love football Sundays with my bf...staying in bed watching the game and eating our faces off, lol!  The last game wasnt the best.  Michael Vick was injured (GOD I cant believe I am rooting for this guy...but I really kinda like him as our QB) and we had a ton of holding calls.  I'm hoping my Eagles can pull it together!

Missing Person: Positive Patty

This week has been so tough.  Tonight I went to the gym to clear my head.  I put on my heavy metal and kicked some serious ass.  But I felt like I needed another therapy....my blog!  So here is whats been bothering me this week...

I have been living back at home for 5 months now.  For the first time this week I had the urge to just pack up and move the hell out.  I remember having that feeling at 18 and then moving out the day after graduation.  I am trying to just deal but its hard when everyone in my house is PMS'ing all together (that includes the guys).  Okay, its always easy to make a joke about it - but seriously - this week has been bad at home.  Since when do people just walk in the door and automatically start bitching.  Where is the "hi, how are you?".  I have worked so hard to not become them...to not have the attitude...to not take my bad day out on others.  I hate being surrounded by that crap, it brings you down.

Dating is another thing that has been eating away at my brain this week.  I just can't find the balance that I need between casually dating and a relationship.  I find myself needing more and then wanting less.  Why can't I find that balance?  Its like I need someone to talk to, to be there, someone to give me a hug and pick me up when I need it.  But I don't want commitment.  I know that I just got out of a marriage - there is no way I can be in a relationship.  But yet I feel myself looking for a connection.

It doesn't help that I over think things wayyy too much.  I over analyze everything.  Why can't I just simplify things and compartmentalize them and live my life?

I don't know where Positive Patty went...but she needs to come back.  NOW.