A toast to infinity and beyond!!!!!

A friend said something to me that has been resonating in my head all weekend;

You have infinity to give and he took advantage of it

That just clicks in my head, like, I actually believe it.

I believe it!

That might sound like something meaningless but it really means everything to me.  Believing that I have something to offer, and not just something but infinity...

A night out

I have been avoiding going out and drinking with my friends for the past three weeks...I don't want to be that crying sloppy girl in the bathroom corner with snot dripping out her nose.

Well I finally caved in on Friday.  We had a huge snowstorm blow in and it gave me the perfect excuse to get snowed in at my friends house.  We drank and drank and drank and played cards until we couldn't read the numbers on the cards anymore.  And surprisingly enough - I didn't have any emotional drunken breakdowns!

I didn't wake up until 2pm the next day.  Then I had to go shovel out my car from the 2 foot of snow with my hangover and drive home just in time for breakfast dinner.

Honestly, it felt great, I really needed that!

Thank God for friends.  They have been holding me up and pushing me forward....

Drinking it all away

"Finish that bottle of wine!"  "Thats an order!"

I love my Dad.

Thats what he said to me when I came home stressed out from the lawyers office last night.

I went to file for divorce...

Lasting Scars

I haven’t told many people about what is going on. It’s hard to tell people when I don’t even believe it myself. J has told people – although his story is slightly different from mine. His is more “What I did was wrong but things have been bad for years” and mine is more “my husband cheated on me with my best friend *insert sobbing and panic attack here*”


There are a few reasons I haven’t told many people;

I haven’t told neighbors because J is still living in the house. We have made many friends in our neighborhood and I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose sides. I guess a little part of me is doing it so J doesn’t have to face it – I know I don’t have to do that – I shouldn’t be “protecting” him.

I haven’t told many of my friends because – well – I don’t know. I don’t want to just post a status update on Facebook saying – MY MARRIAGE IS OVER. I also don’t want to do it through email. Also; all our friends are mostly mutual and, again, I don’t want them to have to choose sides between J and I. Of course they don’t have to – they can remain friends with both of us – they just might feel uncomfortable doing that.

Some family members know that I moved back home with my mom and Dad but they don’t know why. They are going to be the hardest to tell. I have no idea if they are going to support me or not.

I am also debating whether or not to share this blog with my friends and family. I am not sure that I want to share these emotions and feelings with them. On the other hand – I really need their support. I will admit that if I knew they read my blog posts – I might be hesitant about writing certain things.

Another fear that I have is the lasting scars this will leave on me. While I have great support right now - I am afraid that it might not last. Will our mutual friends eventually fade? Will I still be hurting and lonely next year – and will the people that are supporting me now be just as concerned about me then? What if I have no one?