On Sunday I made the mistake of asking J a few questions. After hours of packing up my house - it just got to me....
"Am I that bad that you had to go to M? My best friend?"
J just sat there with his lips sucked it and hands clasped together....he didn’t answer but I know what he was thinking....
I have so many unanswered questions...
I want to know why he did this to me. Why was he fooling around with M while he was unemployed - he could have been looking for a job and saving our house. Why was he taking me to the baby doctor to talk about pregnancy? Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy - why didn't he suggest counseling? Why isn’t he remorseful - why isn’t he trying to amend things and save our marriage?
I want to know the answers to badly
But I also don't want to know - I am afraid of the answers because I know they aren’t the ones I want to hear.
J isn’t going to tell me the right words - he isn’t going to console me - make me feel better - or make things right.
And that just kills me....
I am left to fix the shattered pieces of my life by myself
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