Feeling Defeated

Since the day I found out I have been staying in my 15 year old brothers room at my parents house. J is staying in the house until he can find another place to live or the bank kicks him out for non-payment on the mortgage. 

J and I have been dividing the house up into "yours" and "mine". It has been so heartbreaking. Just thinking of the house sends me into a panic attack.


I didn't know that Tuesday night was going to be the last night I would ever sleep in my own bed or come home from work to relax on the couch with my cat. I hate dividing things up - what do I do with the coral that we found walking on the beach or the precious moments figurines of a couple on their wedding day? What do I do with our unity candle and our wedding photos? (I know what to do with the photos of M - burn them!)

But it’s not just the house - I am losing my husband. The man I love and have been with for 10 years - since I was just 15 years old. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking questions about why he did this...J says he hasn’t been happy with "us" and feels like we have grown apart. He felt like he couldn't tell me.  Hearing this made me feel guilty for what HE did. But I also think that is a bunch of bullshit. Of course he could have told me. But that would have been the brave thing to do. Instead he took the cowardly route and turned to my best friend for sex.  And now he is being cowardly again - only apologizing and showing remorse through email. Yesterday when I broke down he acted like I drove him away - he didn’t show any sympathy towards me and it was heartbreaking.  Through email he says "I feel like I should apologize everyday for the rest of my life for what I did"....and in person he says "I already apologized yesterday". 

A part of me wishes he would show remorse - sorrow - sadness - ANYTHING!  I want him to beg for me and tell me he loves me.  The fact that he cant do this or even just show understading in person - to my face HURTS.  Am I that bad of a person - was I really that awful of a wife?

Another part of he hates him.  I will never trust him and I don't want him anywhere near me.

This is so confusing - as I'm sure this blog post is...a lot of rambling going on. But that’s where my head is at...all over the place....

Today I feel defeated by my emotions.  My brain cannot understand the "Whys" and I cannot make sense of what happened.  I am beating myself up over details that I dont even know.
 
If M hadnt come clean I never would have known.  I never suspected a thing and had every reason to trust my husband.
 
I wish things were different - I want my life back!!!!  I want my husband, my house, my cat - the security of a loving marriage...so many things