There are times in the day that I feel so sick to my stomach. Tears well up in my eyes and I am feel so hurt. But there are other times in the day that I look to my future - good things in my future - such as traveling and accomplishing things that I couldn't do with J.
I spoke to my therapist about this last night;
"Is it too soon for me to be feeling this way?"
She explained that I am probably feeling a little relief to be out from under J. She said that J is not my equal and he was dependent on me to do everything.
I thought about this a little and I think she is right. I was always the one with the steady job and the one doing the bills. I was always pulling more weight than J. I was always pushing J to do better; to set goals and to have ambition.
J never wanted to do any of those things, it was always a lot of talk and no action. J was dependent on me for every little thing. I was even helping him start his own handyman business this past month.
I think J felt that I was disappointed in him. (maybe he was disappointed in himself?) And I think he turned to M (another dependent person) to "commiserate" with her and it led to an emotional and physical affair.
Eventually J will leach onto another strong woman and suck the life out of her too. (which he is already doing to his mother – what a manipulator)
So yeah, I think I do feel some relief. I'm still hurting and mourning the loss of our life that we were building together but a small part of me does feels free...
More on his "dependency" later...meanwhile enjoy this song;
6 comments:
I'm really pleased you seem more positive - a little bit of realisation (however small) can do wonders!! x
His poor mother. I wish there was some way you could save her too... but I suppose she's stuck for good.
I LOVE that you're thinking about your future and traveling!!!
Traveling! The best remedy. I recommend Southeast Asia (Thailand/Cambodia). You'll have a place to stay at least and nothing beats the laidback relaxing atmosphere of these people!
I'm glad you are feeling better too. and no, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty for moving on. You are on your own timetable and maybe for the first time in 10 years, you get to decide how you really feel about things.
@ Jen, thanks! :)
@ LiLu, she is stuck...and don't feel too bad for her lol
@ Suzie, my own timetable - I like that :-)
I'm old. 40 to be exact. So here's my take.
What the fuck was a 19 yr old man doing with a 15 year old girl anyway? Oh, I know, practicing to be the unemployed freeloading douche he is today. He probably had you convinced you were the only one who understood him, am I right?
Hun, it a line users use to play the emotions of the used.
Fuck that douchbag and the cunt who is so shallow and jealous of you she ruined a friendship she'll never have again. These two losers are the beginning of your grown up life. Start from now, don't take it with you, but learn to be a judge of character as a grown up so you can trust your instincts again.
What a pathetic Jon Gosslin wannabe. Trust me. In a year he'll be a mistake you made as a kid. By 40 you'll wonder how or if you really ever even felt anything at all. Now, go on...get out there and live your life, and be grateful the numb bitch cut you loose from this parasite before you wasted any more perky-ass-and-boobs years on him. Ya can't get your twenties back kid. Spoken from the future, with love.
@ Aly - I think I love you. haha....I love your advice I mean. Makes me feel confident to go out and "live well" After all they say that living well is the best revenge!
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