Seeking...

Friday Facts:

2011-04-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

6:30 am: Step out of the shower, get dressed, do hair and makeup. Walk into the hall way and step in... poo. In...my barefeet. (Someones in trouble! And it better be one of the dogs!
6:45 am: Decide at the last minute that I should go to the batting cages during lunch. Scramble to get my shoes, bat and... oh shit, I lost my batting gloves! Major crisis, search the house - nothing
7:45 am: Late to work
9:45 am: Potty break. Discover I put my underwear on inside out.

Itinerary for the rest of the day;

Get Drunk

This past week I …

2011-04-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

• Met an exceptionally well mannered man

• Broke my dating rule

• Went on 2 amazing dates
Here is where things take a different turn…

• Found out that that he has mad baby mama drama

• The mad baby mama stole my number out of his phone

• Mad baby mama called me and hung up and also texted me

• Mad baby mama got real jealous of our two dates and then re-professed her undying love for him (even after a year of separation from him)

• Exceptionally well mannered man returned to his mad baby mama to try and reunite their happy little psychotic family

I am cursed. Cursed I tell you!!!

What are the chances???

2011-03-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

What are the chances....that you go to the bar with your girlfriend with high hopes of hanging out with a really cool guy that you like - and he likes you. And then finding out that he asks for your girlfriends number when your in the bathroom. And even further...they realize the met once two years ago in this very same bar and recall what they are wearing and everything they said to each other and within one week have "very strong feelins for each other".

I know. I know! I'm on a boyfriend ban and none of this matters. Quit rubbing it in.

Just sayin...that hurts a little.

What the ...

2011-03-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

What is up with people who say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Thats some bullshit if you ask me. Its an underhanded insult. It means "I'm not sorry for what I did"...just "sorry that you called me out on it?"

Thats all.

Loving on it

2011-03-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

I watched the movie Julie & Julia.... LOVED IT. It made me remember what I went to culinary school for. I miss cooking and I really miss my food blog - maybe one day I will resurrect it.

I'm getting this dresser for my birthday (in 2 weeks!!) - I have been eying it up for a few months now at IKEA. I love the four small square drawers...I want to separate my ~~thongs from my granny panties~~ delicates and my socks and use one of the drawers to customize my jewelry since I cant find a jewelry box big enough. Haha, nothing makes me more happier than organizing!

My newest family member Angela. My cousin Karen and her husband Adam (who lost their little boy to Mitochondiral disease) have adopted her (still in processing so we cant show her face). Angela has Cerebral Palsy and Cortical Blindness. God do I love this little girl! I just love interacting with her - she loves to be held and rough housed. She likes to spin and bounce and loves kisses. She is just so special and warms my heart in every way. You can always follow their story at www.gavinowens.com.

Something to prove

2011-03-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I as I mentioned in my last post - I broke things of with my BF. Since then I've made the decision to stay single for 6 months. Wait. Did I just say six? Let me see thats...April, May, June.... OMG, that is until September.

I just think that I might be relationship dependent. As long as I can remember I've been in a relationship...I married young and wasted a ton of time there. Then out of the last year, I've been in a relationship for the past 9 months. And the whole time I had been silently freaking out inside about being in that relationship. Dont get me wrong, I loved my BF...I cant speak a bad word about him. But...I just felt it was time for me to be alone. (he has called that a load of BS and it hasnt ended well since then) But anywho....

I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can be alone and be happy. You know be an independent single lady;

Let the boyfriend ban begin!

What am I doing?

2011-03-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

Why am I only happy when I'm in a relationship? Not even happy with the relationship - just that I have one?

I broke things off with my boyfriend. I'm not even sure why. Maybe I wanted to be single. Maybe I just havent been feeling like myself and wanted some time alone. Maybe I was afraid of things getting serious. Maybe I was afraid of being disappointed. I dont know.

I dont know if it was the right choice.

All I know is that all those feelings of emptiness have come rushing back as if it was one year ago and I just had my heart ripped out. Now I'm questioning why I did it. Thinking about how I am going to move on. Who am I going to talk to? Thinking that I have nobody. Feeling lonely.

What am I supposed to do when I get like this?

I know I will be fine. I know that life goes on.

Right now it just sucks.

I feel like an ass.

Ugh. Thats all for now.

Expectations and Disappointment

2011-02-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

I remember Valentines Day as a pre-teen/teenager in junior high...my Dad used to surprise me by having a dozen long stem red roses wrapped in red tissue paper and gently set in a white box delivered to my school. I was the happiest girl - no boy could top my Dad.

Somewhere along the line, that got lost. And by that I mean...the expectations that I was supposed to have for a guy. They got lowered and lowered and lowered. And now....I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day. I told my boyfriend not to even bother getting me a thing. After all....you can't be disappointed in what you don't have expectations for.

But tonight after a tall glass of wine (just one glass, I promise) I realized that by not having expectations, I'm just settling.

Settling is what I did when I got married.

Hmmm....time to start re-thinking this whole "dating expectations" thing.

This Month in Pictures

2011-01-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

So yea, I wrote this on January 3rd and never posted it - whoops! Here it is anyways....

A freezing cold trip to Longwood Gardens - so worth it. This place has 1050 acres of beautiful gardens.

Christmas night seeing the Blue Man Group in Philadelphia - a total party - so much fun!

One of the many snow storms we got

A killer concert

New Years Eve - apparently I got in a time machine and took a trip back to the 60's? This is the Grateful Dead drummer's spin off band - The 7 Walkers. It was an interesting night...I bought a wool knit hat and the dude offered me 7 varieties of ganja cheesecake. I might have tried but I actually had non-ganja cheesecake leftover from dinner waiting at the hotel for me :)

I saw an Eagles game - sore subject.

How to Be Alone

2010-12-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

My good friend Darby posted this on Facebook this morning...I just had to share it...

Society tells us that being "alone" is equal to loneliness. This is wrong. Loneliness can happen to anyone. To someone in a relationship or even marriage. Being alone is different. Being alone says "I love myself, and can spend time with myself and be okay with that".

The best advice I got this year from my dear friend Regan "Embrace solitude, its empowering" This is so true...

If you are alone this holiday season, please done be lonely. You cannot love someone else, if you do not love yourself. It all starts with you!

Re-Align

2010-12-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

Well it finally came in the mail, my official divorce decree. It feels good knowing that the past is just that, the past. I've been thinking lately, kinda replaying my whole relationship and marriage with J. You know, it sucks that it ended the way it did....but the fact is, we were just not meant to be together. I was not meant to be in that marriage. I was not the person that I was meant to be or become.

I truly feel that I needed to Re-Align my life.

So here's a toast to my former self, I bid you adieu...

And here's a toast to the future. The opportunity to learn from life, the chance to find myself and grow into the woman I am meant to be. Here's to embracing change.

My Love for the Universe is Safe

2010-11-15T18:08:00.000-08:00

This weekend my boyf and I had the opportunity to get away for a little bit. It is amazing how much some time alone with mother nature can center you. just look at the scenes she creates...

pure beauty.

and Kodi appreciated it too :)

I'm ready to go back!

A concept for me

2010-10-31T20:28:00.000-07:00

Finding that if you live your life free from clutter and with a basic concept of simplicity and minimalism, that happiness, well...it has no place to hide!

i put this on my facebook page today but I wanted to elaborate on it just a little more...

my life can be very stressful at times. obviously. but there is one thing in my life that is so simple, so lovely and that is my relationship with my boyfriend.

looking back at my marriage, i see two people living life in a pressure cooker. stressed, feeling over burdened, and weighed down.

why live life like that?

maybe marriage isn't for everyone. a lifetime with one person is a hell of a commitment.

live life simple.

enjoy being together when you can. think of each when you can't. smile, laugh, and kiss.

be happy doing nothing together because if your not happy in the simplest of situations, how can you be happy when life gets hard?

Going Nowhere Fast

2010-10-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

J,

You know, our entire marriage...the entire time I've known you, you have never completed anything all the way through. So many projects started and never finished. Lots of dreams and goals but none of them ever followed through with.

There was the guitar you only halfway knew how to play - but you wanted the best guitar there was, so of course I bought it for you . There was the guitar pedal that cost another arm and leg. You bought the books, the DVDs, the whole works. Now tell me...can you play guitar any better than when you were 15?

Then there was the "I'm going to quit smoking", "I'm going to lose weight, lets join a gym!", "I'm want to join the police academy"!, "Lets finish of our basement!" Oh the list goes on and on...

But did you quit? Did you lose weight? Did you ever even take the test for the academy? Did our basement get finished?

Meanwhile I supported you through all of that, paid for most of everything you inspired to do, did the leg work and research if you needed me to, and sometimes I was just there to give you encouragement. But in the end , I really just watched you give up and fail at everything.

You disappointed me. (I wonder if you disappointed yourself???)

So what I'm trying to say is. ~~You SUCK~~. No matter what you have put me through, no matter where I go from here. You my friend, will still be where you always have been. Nowhere.

and I shall call it...A Divorcation

2010-10-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on vacation ... a real vacation...since my honeymoon 5 years ago. So you can imagine my excitement when I got an invitation in the mail for my dear friends destination wedding!!!

Where to?

Here are a few hints...

Warm, Sunny, and Beautiful

Romantic and Relaxing

I am going to Sandals Whitehouse in Jamaica!!!

I cannot wait to spend a week in Jamaica (not until May), especially celebrating with my friends on their special day. This all-inclusive resort looks just amazing...

I am determined to make this work - with everything I've been through...I deserve this damnit! So I've already started saving those pennies.

Litterally, pennies.

Jamaica...here I come!

Im pissed

2010-10-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

"it states that heather will, upon signing the papers, have 90 days to get the car out of my name and assume any and all liability for it. im not sure why we have decided to go this route. im not comfortable with signing divorce papers and still having loose ends. that would mean that within those 90days my credit is still on the line and at any point something unexpected could happen"

That is a direct quote from asshole J regarding signing a property settlement agreement that will allow me to take his name off the car title. The same car that he is demanding $500 from me to transfer the title.

So hey asshole....want to talk about unexpected do ya? How about cheating with my best friend?

Want to talk about credit on the line? YOU didnt have a job...you didnt contribute $$ to the mortgage...now MY credit is ruined because of this short sale because you are a LAZY FUCK. And because of that..I am having trouble refinancing the fucking car!

Want to talk about the car? The car that you borrowed from me ... dropped me off at work every day under the pretense that you were job hunting. Is that what you were doing? NO...you were banging my fat whore of a best friend.

And hey...one more thing idiot...you wanted $500...well its waiting for you at my lawyers but you have to SIGN THE PROPERTY SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT FIRST!

fucking asshole.

Failure

2010-10-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

Today I'm feeling like a failure. I hate the fact that I make good money but have such bad credit that I can't do anything. Some mistakes you have to pay for - for a lifetime. Knowing that I've made mistakes and I cant do the things I want to do...and knowing that it will be crappy for years to come down the road, really makes me feel shitty about myself. It makes it hard to set goals, makes it hard to plan, hard to budget. Ugh....so many wrong decisions!

Whats going on??

2010-10-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

Divorce...well, the house is now officially SOLD! We made settlement on September 27th. The house sold for $30k less than we owe - but we got a one time 'get out of jail free' card and we don't have to pay that money back. Of course there was lots of drama involved but I have to say, I did a great job with not buying into his games. One last thing standing in the way of the divorce becoming official and that is our car. J has to sign the title over to me but he is demanding $500 to do so. Ahhh, divorce is so much fun!
Gym...wish I had awesome news. I don't. I have only been going to the gym once a week and unfortunately that is not enough gym time to keep me loosing weight. I need to get back on the ~~saddle~~ elliptical!
Love...yes, I have news in this department! After months of casually seeing this guy, we have made it official...facebook official even - we are in a relationship! My first actual committed relationship since the separation in January. I was totally freaking out at the thought of a relationship but this has been so easy and carefree - we have so much fun together!
Life...has been busy. I have been trying to balance everything plus finances and the dog and work....its been tough. But the last week or two, things have been coming together. Balance is hard to keep in a world that keeps on spinning.
Baseball...umm, yes...baseball! Have you seen my Phillies!?! It is certainly DOCtober :)))
Football...I love football Sundays with my bf...staying in bed watching the game and eating our faces off, lol! The last game wasnt the best. Michael Vick was injured (GOD I cant believe I am rooting for this guy...but I really kinda like him as our QB) and we had a ton of holding calls. I'm hoping my Eagles can pull it together!

hello anxiety

2010-08-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know what my problem is but tonight I am having major anxiety issues. As soon as I calm down, it comes back even worse. I think its a combination of things....I'm home alone, leaving for the weekend tomorrow night, a huge to-do list....*sigh*....stress? I don't know.

I know that I can have relapses of feelings of panic and anxiety (and I'm not saying this is over the divorce) but I am saying that now that I started with anxiety, it can come at any time over any situation with the right mix of triggers.

I am supposed to be relaxing! I am going to the beach tomorrow...ugh....

I am going to find something to calm me down. Maybe a shower, maybe more wine....hopefully something.

You Should've Come Over

2010-08-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday! Just wanted to share this song thats been in my head all week - Jeff Buckley "Lover, you should have come over"

What a poet...beautiful lyrics

Morning Mumblings

2010-08-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Good morning! *sigh of contentment*

I don't know why I am in such a good mood today .. actually, I do ;) ...

I am getting so excited for my trip to the shore next week :) I am only going for a long weekend but I don’t care, I plan to make the most out of every second. It will be my first trip to the shore this summer which is really odd, I normally take a few long weekends but I was just too busy with work this summer. Speaking of work – I just got an awesome bonus – more than I expected so now my worries of eating ramen noodles at the shore are out the window! My wonderful neighbor is going to watch my furbaby for me – Our furbabies are BFF’s, lol! So it’s all set! Oh wait. Except I need to buy a bathing suit :/ Ugh! I hate bathing suit shopping. It is really hard for a woman who is not ‘large’ but just has really big boobs. Everything is made for the standard A or B cup and I am nowhere near there, lol! I’m thinking I will have to buy one online…oh well.

Anyway, enough rambling…I got work to do!

Sonny

2010-07-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

No real time to post herethis week, its been so busy at work. Just this video clip of Sonny Landreth, an amazing slide guitar player. I will be seeing him play on Sunday night! Enjoy...

The Blues

2010-07-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well first off, Blues Traveler was amazing! And I loved the town of Stroudsburg, PA...it reminded me of New Hope but without the gays. In fact, all Stroudsburg needs is a few rainbow street signs and glitter and it would be fabulous! Our hotel was on the corner of this little college town's main street which was awesome because we could walk to any place we wanted to go. The streets have wide sidewalks made of brick paver's and are lined with cute little restaurants and bars. I think the town had a definite hippie vibe to it - but it could just be all the hippies in town to come see the concert, lol! We had dinner at the Sarah Street Grill and after visiting almost every bar on the main st, we ended going back there for our last drinks of the night.

We got to the Sherman Theater just in time to see one of the opening band, the Mike Miz Band. Wow, these local kids know how to play the blues!!! Anyway, BT was awesome - John Popper can play the harmonica like nobody's business. And he attracts quite a crowd...little kids to people old enough to be my grand parents. And a lot of hippies, lol. We were outside during one of the breaks and one of the old drugged up hippies walks up to us and says..."Dig this hustle, Jesus cant afford a ticket" HAHAHA! OMG, 'dig this hustle' has to be one of the best opening lines ever!

So yea, dig this hustle, here is a video of Miz preforming 'Wink'...enjoy!

Favorites!

2010-07-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I had to share with you a few of my favorite things right now...

1. My summer mug

I only ended up with this piece because I felt obligated to, lol! You know when you go to those in-home parties and you really don't want to buy anything or have any money...you just kinda pick the cheapest thing...yea well thats how I ended up with this awesome mug that I use every single day from Longenberger! I love it! Its pretty heavy duty pottery and it has a cool summer design - plus I kinda like not having to use a paper cup everyday and just throw it in the trash. And it keeps my coffee hot for a lot longer!

2. Eat. Pray. Love.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this book. If you havent heard about it yet or read it....get a copy! This book is so relatable, especially to me. It is about a woman who has it all and looses it all. She goes through divorce, identity crisis, money troubles and ends up packing her things and traveling the world. She visits Italy, India, and Indonesia in search for good food, enlightenment, and herself. After I read the first chapter, I got my purse and ran out to buy and mail my friend Darby who lives in Boston, MA a copy. Its. that. good. And even better yet...they are making this into a movie which stars....Julia Roberts....*squeal!!!

3. Nail Polish

It really is the simple things...I love this nail polish, I just got it in Retro Rose from AVON...so pretty!

In 24 hours...

2010-07-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

...I will be en route to my first Blues Traveler concert!!! I am super stoked to see these guys! I will be staying overnight in Stroudsburg, PA which in the Pocono Mountains. The hotel is just a few blocks from the venue. The plan is to go check-in, walk to a bar and grab dinner and some drinks and then walk to the show. YEAH BAYBAY!!!

Love it!...

Nightmare

2010-07-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a nightmare about J. :/ It was horrible, I woke up with my teeth clenched, pissed off, and full of sweat. I have no idea what prompted this nightmare but it sucked!

For some reason in my nightmare I moved down south somewhere to live with someone who was either related to J or a mutual friend of ours, I'm not sure how they fit into the picture. Then at some point I am told that J and his girlfriend (who in my dream, for some reason, does not look like M) and baby are on their way to come live at the same house. I start crying and I am asking 'why?' and 'where are they going to stay, there is no room'. I am told that they are going to stay in my room and that we have to share a bed. So I am flipping out because I have to sleep next to J and his gf and baby.

WTF!

Then when they show up, J starts trying to be nice and apologize and I just flip out. All I want to do is see my cat. Enter my cat, Jacob. Jacob doesn’t remember me and goes over to J's gf and jumps in her arms. At this point I try to beat the shit out of the gf and then....

I wake up.

I really don't know what this dream is about and I am not going to try and decipher it - I just wanted to share this...its pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Just me...and me.

2010-07-16T05:04:00.000-07:00

There was a time, just a few months ago, when I was dying of loneliness. There was one day in particular that I remember; I was sitting by myself, snowed-in in an empty house shaking and crying. I was emotionally destroyed over the thought that I had to spend the day by myself. I felt empty, scared, and deserted. Who was going to sip hot chocolate and snuggle with me on the couch? Who was I going to talk to, what was I going to do all day? I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I didn’t want to have to feel the emptiness of being lonely.

Today is the last of ten days that I have spent alone. Yes, alone…ten wonderful and relaxing days alone. I am sad that it is coming to an end but the family must return from vacation some time. Recently I have found myself craving alone time. I have been day dreaming about being stranded alone in the wild with nothing but my own thoughts to occupy my time. I want to sit alone and read a book or go for a drive and listen to the music. I find myself envious (and proud!) of my friend who just recently upped and moved away all by herself to a new and unfamiliar city. I want that. I want to wander and discover new things by myself. It’s not so bad being alone. I am comfortable with myself, I like myself. I know I am okay, I know I am sufficient for myself, and that I will always get by.

I am sure that this period of self exploration and discovery will come to an end, as all things do, but for now…it’s just me and me. And that is A – OK.

Wondering

2010-07-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

If you want me to wait

I would wait for you

If you tell me to stay

I would stay right through

If you don't wanna say

Anything at all

I'm happy wondering...

I love that song - I loved it even more once I found out it was written about a dog.

This is my two year old Pomerainian named Kodi (like a kodiac bear).

Last week Kodi and I met my friend and his dog at a local park. His dog is quite larger than my little 12lb ball of fur and as you can see Kodi is covered in his drool. Yet still happier than ever...

Seeking....a new chapter

2010-07-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

May? Has it really been since May since I've blogged?

As you can see I changed the blog up a bit. I took away the title "my life in boxes", it seemed to reflect someone who needs pity. Its no longer about that, I don't want that. I don't want to always talk about "J" and our issues. I want to talk about me and the new chapters of my life so I changed the title to "seeking"...I think its a perfect descriptive word. Side note...I like the cool new designs that blogger finally offers.

So heres new a new template (oh the little things!), a new chapter, and maybe even a new post every once in a while?!

Missing Person: Positive Patty

2010-05-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

This week has been so tough. Tonight I went to the gym to clear my head. I put on my heavy metal and kicked some serious ass. But I felt like I needed another therapy....my blog! So here is whats been bothering me this week...

I have been living back at home for 5 months now. For the first time this week I had the urge to just pack up and move the hell out. I remember having that feeling at 18 and then moving out the day after graduation. I am trying to just deal but its hard when everyone in my house is PMS'ing all together (that includes the guys). Okay, its always easy to make a joke about it - but seriously - this week has been bad at home. Since when do people just walk in the door and automatically start bitching. Where is the "hi, how are you?". I have worked so hard to not become them...to not have the attitude...to not take my bad day out on others. I hate being surrounded by that crap, it brings you down.

Dating is another thing that has been eating away at my brain this week. I just can't find the balance that I need between casually dating and a relationship. I find myself needing more and then wanting less. Why can't I find that balance? Its like I need someone to talk to, to be there, someone to give me a hug and pick me up when I need it. But I don't want commitment. I know that I just got out of a marriage - there is no way I can be in a relationship. But yet I feel myself looking for a connection.

It doesn't help that I over think things wayyy too much. I over analyze everything. Why can't I just simplify things and compartmentalize them and live my life?

I don't know where Positive Patty went...but she needs to come back. NOW.

Moving Forward

2010-04-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hey! It’s been a while, huh? Unfortunately, I've been neglecting my new blog...I've started several posts, but never finished them. There's a reason for that I suppose...my life just isn’t in the same place. Mentally, I've moved on from a lot of these issues and I haven't had the need to vent about them. I'm throwing around the idea of starting (yet another) blog, I think I may have outgrown this place. It served me well when I needed it. I don't know though, just a thought :)

So what have I been up to?...

Well, I've been plugging along at my job, trying to focus on a promotion. On the weeknights after work, I go to the gym. The gym is something that has been completely life changing for me! I try and go 4 to 5 times a week. I do 30-45 minutes of cardio and then a little tanning too :). Working out has been such a stress reliever plus it gets me out of the house and keeps me busy! I also signed up for a softball league at my office which starts in just a few weeks.

As far as J goes....I don't really have to deal with him much except when it comes down to matters of selling the house. And even then, he doesn’t do shit. I'm handling everything and my attitude is whatever it takes to get this over with! He does try to contact me sometimes, such as trying to ruin my birthday by accusing me of writing his name and number on a bathroom stall (yea...he is fucking crazy). He also is doing stupid shit like shorting me $3 on our taxes. I basically don't reply to him at all. He is trying to get a reaction from me and I refuse to do it! So I will pay the god damn $3 and move on thankyouverymuch!

I'm looking forward to this summer....I have a great outlook, great friends and family and even someone special who I'm enjoying getting to know. Life is looking good....

Thank you for 1 thing

2010-03-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

Its kinda a confidence crusher when your husband cheats on you with a woman three times your size and who is not attractive at all. But I would like to say that even though that is really hurtful I have been learning a lot about myself and my confidence because of it.

I would like to say that I am not skinny but I am by no means fat. I am 5’7” and I weigh 165 lbs. The past two years I have been struggling to lose weight and have dealt with self confidence issues. But recently that has all changed. You would think that I would be absolutely angry with myself and my body but its kinda the opposite. Even though it’s very hurtful to think of how my husband was more attracted to M instead of me, I look at that as a reflection on him and not me. If anything at all, it gives me awesome motivation when I am working out. I just think of that fat whore and I am able to pump out another set of sit-ups and leg presses haha!

Last week I took my measurements to track my workout progress….I have a 40” bust and a 40” hip. When I read those measurements I literally said out loud, “DAMN! I like my size!”. I know that I am not the skinniest but when I look in my mirror, I don’t see my fat, I think “wow…look at those curves!”. I see myself in pictures and I can see that I am a little over weight but it doesn’t really bother me because I am working out to get fit and get right. Working out gives me a outlet to let out my angers and frustrations. It gives me confidence and it makes me happy. I know that I will start to see progress soon and that gives me hope. I know that I have abs that are just dying to be shown off in a swimsuit and I know that I will get there.

J has taken a lot from me and I have lots of issues to deal with but he did leave me with one thing; motivation which in turn has helped me get my confidence back.

A toast to infinity and beyond!!!!!

2010-03-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

A friend said something to me that has been resonating in my head all weekend;

You have infinity to give and he took advantage of it

That just clicks in my head, like, I actually believe it.

I believe it!

That might sound like something meaningless but it really means everything to me. Believing that I have something to offer, and not just something but infinity...

An episode of Maury; Who's the father?

2010-02-23T19:14:00.000-08:00

Monday I had my therapy session where we discussed my panic attacks. I told her how I thought it was because I don't have any control over my life right now and that I'm fearful of whats to come...

I also discussed something else with her...

"M has a 1 1/2 year old little girl. How do I know that J isn't the father? The only thing I could do would be to ask her husband...."

I then explained to her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that. He has been "the father" and he loves her and do I really want to put that thought...

"STOP" she said.

"You are too worried about other people. You are too worried about 'what if I do this' and all the consequences. You aren't angry enough! If you want to call J and scream at him, do it! If you want to call M's husband and ask 'do you know who's baby that is?' then do it!"

"All this stuff is building up inside you and making you worry and have panic attacks. You have to train your brain to realize that there are some things you do not have control over and there is no sense in worrying over things you cannot control"

"Now, lets breath together".....

In......Out.....In.....Out......

"Relaxsssssssss"

*side note; she taught me diaphragmatic breathing - I do a set of 3 every hour to keep my mind focused

am I running from pain or the things that I fear

2010-02-18T05:10:00.000-08:00

Ever since I've been going through this whole ordeal, I've been having panic attacks. I had never had one before up until this point in my life. So far this week I've had two, both of them happened at work. Having a panic attack is the most awful experience. Its these stupid little things that just set panic and fear in me and I cannot stop myself from freaking out. My chest starts to break out in red splotches, my face gets red, the air seems thick and I have trouble breathing, I can't stand up, I get dizzy and eventually start to cry because I can't do anything to stop it. It's so embarrassing to act like this at work because I can't calm myself down, someone else has to help me. Then after its over I realize that there was no real reason to be so upset.

I think that these are happening because of fear - fear of the unknown. I am such a control freak with a little OCD on the side. I am one of those people who make check lists, spreadsheets, and pro/con lists for almost every situation. And right now I have no control in my life. I have no idea what is going on and I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm scared. And that just freaks. me. out.

I am going to my therapist on Monday, I am going to tell her what’s been happening. I need to find ways to calm myself down and just breath...

You're not there

2010-02-09T11:51:00.000-08:00

Today I am having a stressful day at work.

I thought about calling J and telling him about my day, looking for him to say something sweet and remind me that my day is almost over and that he will cook dinner for me tonight.

Then I realized I have no one. J isn’t there – he doesn’t care about my day at work.

I need someone to be there. Not a friend or family member, I want my husband, the husband I thought I had.

A night out

2010-02-08T18:04:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding going out and drinking with my friends for the past three weeks...I don't want to be that crying sloppy girl in the bathroom corner with snot dripping out her nose.

Well I finally caved in on Friday. We had a huge snowstorm blow in and it gave me the perfect excuse to get snowed in at my friends house. We drank and drank and drank and played cards until we couldn't read the numbers on the cards anymore. And surprisingly enough - I didn't have any emotional drunken breakdowns!

I didn't wake up until 2pm the next day. Then I had to go shovel out my car from the 2 foot of snow with my hangover and drive home just in time for ~~breakfast~~ dinner.

Honestly, it felt great, I really needed that!

Thank God for friends. They have been holding me up and pushing me forward....

Drinking it all away

2010-02-04T05:11:00.000-08:00

"Finish that bottle of wine!" "Thats an order!"

I love my Dad.

Thats what he said to me when I came home stressed out from the lawyers office last night.

I went to file for divorce...

It seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

2010-02-03T05:32:00.000-08:00

There are times in the day that I feel so sick to my stomach. Tears well up in my eyes and I am feel so hurt. But there are other times in the day that I look to my future - good things in my future - such as traveling and accomplishing things that I couldn't do with J.

I spoke to my therapist about this last night;

"Is it too soon for me to be feeling this way?"

She explained that I am probably feeling a little relief to be out from under J. She said that J is not my equal and he was dependent on me to do everything.

I thought about this a little and I think she is right. I was always the one with the steady job and the one doing the bills. I was always pulling more weight than J. I was always pushing J to do better; to set goals and to have ambition.

J never wanted to do any of those things, it was always a lot of talk and no action. J was dependent on me for every little thing. I was even helping him start his own handyman business this past month.

I think J felt that I was disappointed in him. (maybe he was disappointed in himself?) And I think he turned to M (another dependent person) to "commiserate" with her and it led to an emotional and physical affair.

Eventually J will leach onto another strong woman and suck the life out of her too. (which he is already doing to his mother – what a manipulator)

So yeah, I think I do feel some relief. I'm still hurting and mourning the loss of our life that we were building together but a small part of me does feels free...

More on his "dependency" later...meanwhile enjoy this song;

Another day, another chance to heal

2010-02-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

It was another crazy weekend filled with ups and downs...

Friday I left work early to go to a doctor's appointment. When I arrived the receptionists were giving me a funny look, I told them who I was and that I had an appointment - they said;

"We called and left a message on Tuesday at your home - Dr. O had to reschedule"

I lost it..."Figures, I separated from my husband and he didn't give me the message!" "AND...I cannot take of anymore time to reschedule!"

I'm sure they thought I was crazy - which I am.

I was furious, I called J four times, no answer. I could tell he was hitting the ignore button on his phone. Well this sent me into a panic attack - I ended up driving to the house and freaking out for a bit over little things. My mom ended up coming over to calm me down. The night ended with my awesome neighbors bringing over a bottle of wine...they probably heard me crying through the wall lol....

Saturday morning I moved my things out of the house and into storage. I made it through with minimal tears. We moved quick and it kept me busy. I'm glad thats over with...

There was a little more drama in the afternoon but I am saving that for another post :-)

The rest of the weekend went pretty well. I went into the city with my Mom for a bit, got my eyebrows and lip waxed - finally! And got my room all setup at my parents house.

I've been doing some thinking about my future and I think I am going to make a ~~I’m 25 and already divorced with nothing else to do list~~ bucket list. I really have nothing to hold me back anymore. I have never been alone in my life (been with J since I was 15) so I think I am ready for some Heather time. Once I get a few ideas I am going to post it on the side bar of this blog.

Moving Out

2010-01-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

I don't really feel like blogging today - my head hurts....so this will be short;

I am moving all my things out of the house on Saturday and into storage
J is moving his things to his new "rental house" also

He is supposedly renting his step fathers house. His mom and him are going to sit down and work out a budget for him. So typical...29 years old and still can't do things his self. I always did the bills etc....he will never learn. Besides how much rent can you pay when your unemployed, have no plans of working and just bought a cell phone with a plan

I am also going to the Franklin Institute to see the Body Worlds exhibit with my mom and her girlfriends this weekend. I am looking forward to the distraction
J is borrowing a truck from his godmother who he hates with a passion (I hate her too lol). It must suck to owe someone you despise a favor
I wrote J an email telling him how I feel....should be interesting to see his response - if he even responds

I am not looking forward to Saturday - I am praying that I can make it through - I am getting choked up just thinking about it :(

Bitch, I'm gonna knock your teeth in

2010-01-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

My first counseling session was last night and it went great! Today I feel great...in fact, I feel a little weird about that...should I be feeling like that after one week? I guess that’s because the counselor really helped to put it all into perspective for me. But more on that later - right now I wanna tell you about that bitch M....

For that past two years I thought that M was my best friend, I considered her to be genuine and someone that I could confide in about anything. M & I talked every few days and went out often for coffee at Starbucks or shopping at Target.

M had been having marriage problems with her husband and would vent to me about all sorts of personal things. I, in turn, would try and relate to her and tell her personal things about my relationship with J. We would vent about how things like annoying habits our husbands have, finances, our jobs etc etc...

Well as it turns out - that wicked bitch - was setting me up and using me to get to my husband. Because as soon as I left she would get right on the phone to call my husband J and tell him everything that I said. I am sure that this has been going on for a while - possibly 9 months to 1 year.

So here is this whore M - with her own failing marriage - lining up the next guy....my husband.

And then we have my husband who then allowed her to seduce him as a way out of our marriage.

That is the story behind M. I now I want to knock her fucking teeth out. How low, evil, and manipulative of her! Of course J is no better.

I have been played.

I don't know what kind of ~~black magic~~ techniques the counselor used on me but I can tell you that I am over crying over those two. They deserve each other...

Psycho Babble

2010-01-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

I am just pissed off right now....

Today I asked J if he was going to counseling and if he was going for "him" or as a step to save our marriage. He replied "can you resend that email I don’t remember receiving it."

So he just flat out avoided the question. I wanted to reply back to him so bad and ask....did you miss my question?

Then a bit later he IM's me at work and we have these stupid meaningless conversations about his new cell phone number or something. There is so much to talk about. I just want to scream at him....do you want to save this marriage or not?!

I need to face the fact that he has already flipped the switch on me and its taking everything in my power to not just spill everything out to him.

Lord - please give me the strength to just make it through this day without being totally EMO!!

You are giving me lip hair asshole!

2010-01-27T05:16:00.000-08:00

Last night was another tough one. I went to "our house" straight from work to pack a few more things and I ended up leaving a crying mess. J and I had to sort through the filing cabinet of paperwork. I came across a lot of things (such as our marriage certificate) that just made me so sad. My wedding was so beautiful, my grandfather is a pastor and he married us so when I saw his signature on the certificate it just got to me. But none of this seems to have any impact on J. He sat there while I did all the work, just shredding what I told him to shred. I ended up storming out of the house. I got into the car while J was in the garage smoking a cigarette – he wouldn’t even look at me. I started crying and just slammed my hands down on the car horn – J simply shut the garage door and went inside.

I know that I let my emotions get the best of me - and slamming on the car horn was a childish thing to do but I don't understand how you can just stop loving someone after 10 years? How can he just sit there and be fine. No emotions, no sadness - just okay. It is killing me inside - that really hurts me deep. I am so sad and here he is just going on as normal.

It also pisses me the fuck off. Because a part of me thinks that maybe he has these emotions but he is not showing them. You see, J has this ability to just write someone off just. like. THAT. Done - finished - no emotions attached. I have never been able to get him to break down that barrier when he does that. But if by chance there are those emotions inside him...well....it infuriates me. MAN UP! He is too cowardly to face what he did and the consequences.

Tonight I am meeting with a counselor for the first time since this happened last week. It’s going to be another emotional night but I am really looking forward to getting a professional opinion on my situation. And let me just tell you - I look like hell! My eyes are sunken in with deep greenish/blue bags under them, my eyebrows are overgrown and all this stress has brought on my period (a week early). And to top it all off, I have upper lip hair. Yes, lip hair….FML

Lasting Scars

2010-01-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

I haven’t told many people about what is going on. It’s hard to tell people when I don’t even believe it myself. J has told people – although his story is slightly different from mine. His is more “What I did was wrong but things have been bad for years” and mine is more “my husband cheated on me with my best friend *insert sobbing and panic attack here*”

There are a few reasons I haven’t told many people;

I haven’t told neighbors because J is still living in the house. We have made many friends in our neighborhood and I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose sides. I guess a little part of me is doing it so J doesn’t have to face it – I know I don’t have to do that – I shouldn’t be “protecting” him.

I haven’t told many of my friends because – well – I don’t know. I don’t want to just post a status update on Facebook saying – MY MARRIAGE IS OVER. I also don’t want to do it through email. Also; all our friends are mostly mutual and, again, I don’t want them to have to choose sides between J and I. Of course they don’t have to – they can remain friends with both of us – they just might feel uncomfortable doing that.

Some family members know that I moved back home with my mom and Dad but they don’t know why. They are going to be the hardest to tell. I have no idea if they are going to support me or not.

I am also debating whether or not to share this blog with my friends and family. I am not sure that I want to share these emotions and feelings with them. On the other hand – I really need their support. I will admit that if I knew they read my blog posts – I might be hesitant about writing certain things.

Another fear that I have is the lasting scars this will leave on me. While I have great support right now - I am afraid that it might not last. Will our mutual friends eventually fade? Will I still be hurting and lonely next year – and will the people that are supporting me now be just as concerned about me then? What if I have no one?

The Questions I Dont Want Answers To....

2010-01-26T04:44:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I made the mistake of asking J a few questions. After hours of packing up my house - it just got to me....

"Am I that bad that you had to go to M? My best friend?"

J just sat there with his lips sucked it and hands clasped together....he didn’t answer but I know what he was thinking....

I have so many unanswered questions...

I want to know why he did this to me. Why was he fooling around with M while he was unemployed - he could have been looking for a job and saving our house. Why was he taking me to the baby doctor to talk about pregnancy? Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy - why didn't he suggest counseling? Why isn’t he remorseful - why isn’t he trying to amend things and save our marriage?

I want to know the answers to badly

But I also don't want to know - I am afraid of the answers because I know they aren’t the ones I want to hear.

J isn’t going to tell me the right words - he isn’t going to console me - make me feel better - or make things right.

And that just kills me....

I am left to fix the shattered pieces of my life by myself

Feeling Defeated

2010-01-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

Since the day I found out I have been staying in my 15 year old brothers room at my parents house. J is staying in the house until he can find another place to live or the bank kicks him out for non-payment on the mortgage.

J and I have been dividing the house up into "yours" and "mine". It has been so heartbreaking. Just thinking of the house sends me into a panic attack.

I didn't know that Tuesday night was going to be the last night I would ever sleep in my own bed or come home from work to relax on the couch with my cat. I hate dividing things up - what do I do with the coral that we found walking on the beach or the precious moments figurines of a couple on their wedding day? What do I do with our unity candle and our wedding photos? (I know what to do with the photos of M - burn them!)

But it’s not just the house - I am losing my husband. The man I love and have been with for 10 years - since I was just 15 years old. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking questions about why he did this...J says he hasn’t been happy with "us" and feels like we have grown apart. He felt like he couldn't tell me. Hearing this made me feel guilty for what HE did. But I also think that is a bunch of bullshit. Of course he could have told me. But that would have been the brave thing to do. Instead he took the cowardly route and turned to my best friend for sex. And now he is being cowardly again - only apologizing and showing remorse through email. Yesterday when I broke down he acted like I drove him away - he didn’t show any sympathy towards me and it was heartbreaking. Through email he says "I feel like I should apologize everyday for the rest of my life for what I did"....and in person he says "I already apologized yesterday".

A part of me wishes he would show remorse - sorrow - sadness - ANYTHING! I want him to beg for me and tell me he loves me. The fact that he cant do this or even just show understading in person - to my face HURTS. Am I that bad of a person - was I really that awful of a wife?

Another part of he hates him. I will never trust him and I don't want him anywhere near me.

This is so confusing - as I'm sure this blog post is...a lot of rambling going on. But that’s where my head is at...all over the place....

Today I feel defeated by my emotions. My brain cannot understand the "Whys" and I cannot make sense of what happened. I am beating myself up over details that I dont even know.

If M hadnt come clean I never would have known. I never suspected a thing and had every reason to trust my husband.

I wish things were different - I want my life back!!!! I want my husband, my house, my cat - the security of a loving marriage...so many things

Confessions

2010-01-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

...continued

My stomach sank when I came back from lunch and saw Inbox 1. I saw the email from M and thought; oh God - what happened!?! I hurriedly opened her email and scanned it briefly..."couples"..."sex"..."ruined friendship"..."sorry"...

M was confessing to adultery with my husband.

My best friend...

...and my husband.

I sat there at my desk dumbfounded. I reread the email to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong. I started to shake as my stomach turned and panic set in. I never had any reason not to trust the two of them. Although my husband and M dated briefly as teenagers I never thought that this would happen. I mean they never really "dated"...it was more like they hung out, they were young kids and besides M was married now and with a child. All of the sudden I felt stupid for ever allowing this friendship to take place.

I really had no clue what to do but I knew that I couldn't stay at work and I couldn't go home to see J so I had my Dad come pick me up from work. I knew things were about to get bad...

Missing

2010-01-22T12:14:00.001-08:00

Last week my best friend "M" went missing...

It was a busy week; I was battling a cold, had several doctors appointments, and was planning a birthday party for my husband "J" - all the while trying to support my best friend while she was dealing with a suicidal brother.

It would be a good time to tell you that my husband and I have been married for three 1/2 years and one of the doctors appointments was to see about the possibility of a baby. I suppose I'll tell you more about that later...

It was 8 PM on Friday night, the night before my husbands birthday party when I got an email from M that made my stomach sink. It read..."Heather, we will not be able to make it to J's party tomorrow. "C" (their 1 1/2 year old daughter) is getting sick and we feel its best not to come". Immediately I knew that was a lie. If that was true, why wouldn't she just call me - I mean we had talked on the phone the night before and she was going to bring some food for the party and everything. I wrote her back simply saying "I hope C feels better". About an hour later though - I decided to write her back again...

"We're really kinda bummed that you guys aren't coming especially because you couldn't come last year either. I called your cell phone but you didn't answer, I didn't call the house phone b/c I didn't want to wake C if she's sleeping. I hope everything is alright. Did something happen? I just have a weird feeling...its kinda strange that you wouldn't call or at least one of you wouldn't come."

She never wrote back. During the week I kept emailing and calling - worried that I did something to piss her off. I started going over our conversations the past week to see if I said something I shouldn't of. Finally - almost a week later - after emailing her at her private email, on facebook, and at her work in addition to her husbands private email and work email AND all the unanswered phone calls - with no answers, my husband "J" expressed his worry for her safety. I decided it might be best to call her mothers house to make sure she was okay. But just before I made that call, I checked my email - Inbox 1....

I found M...